drowning

Where the hell did that come from? Why would she ask me that kind of question?

“In love?”

“Yes idiot, in love” she replied.

“Yes” he simply said. Little did she know, I didn’t mean with her sister.

I saw her close her eyes and sigh, she sat back on the other side of the couch.

“Where did that come from Julie?”

“I don’t know”

“Like hell you don’t, what’s going on with you?” I asked her. I wish I knew what was going through that head of hers.

“My head is in a funny state. I just don’t know what to think”

I wish I could tell her how I felt. I just didn’t think it was a good idea. I knew she wouldn’t want to hurt her sister, even if she didn’t feel the same way, “do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really”

“Julie, you never close yourself off from me. What’s up?”

“I’m just tired Brooks” she said standing up, “I’ll be outside”

I watched her walk outside onto the back porch and lean against the railing. She was in a short denim skirt, a purple sleeveless blouse and in barefeet. She had both her fingernails and toe nails painted black. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail. I could tell you every detail about her even if she wasn’t standing in front of me. Except for what was underneath. She had no idea how much I wanted to know…

I can tell you she has these light freckles on her cheeks and her nose, but she covers them up with makeup, she’s self concious. She has a birthmark on her back, near her left shoulder. She has a scar down her back, from when she climbed a tree when she was younger and caught herself on a branch. She broke her arm when she was 14, from falling out of a tree and got her appendix out when she was 16, which leaves a small scar on her stomach. Her blue eyes are a shade I’ve never seen before, and when she smiles it makes me feel warm inside, as cheesy as it sounds. She has the cutest nose, and lips I wish I could kiss every second of every day...

She’s fearless, opinionated, loud, clumsy, hilarious, sometimes obnoxious and arrogant, but overall one of the sweetest girls on the planet, but I would never try and get her angry, because she has a mouth on her and a hell of a right hook. She hates summer and winter but loves the spring and fall. She loves the sun but hates the beach. She couldn’t hurt a fly if she tried and she hates insects in general. Her favorite color is pink, she doesn’t have a favorite food and she absolutely adores hockey, and sports in general.

I could go on and on about this girl, but it would take me forever to describe everything that I love and hate about her. Overall, there is not one thing I would change, and I just wish I could get up the guts to tell all this to her face, and tell her that I am absolutely, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

“Brooks?” I heard her say.

“Yes?”

“You ok? You were spaced out”

“I’m fine”

She just smiled and made her way to the kitchen. I just sighed and rested my head back on the couch. I couldn’t keep this in anymore, there must be some way I can tell her.

“Julie?”

“Yah?”

“I need to say something”

She wasn’t facing me, which made it slightly easier.

"I love you”

She almost broke the glass in her hand but set it down gently before turning to face me. I stood there innocently as if I hadn’t done anything.

“You…what?”

Shit, what was I doing? I couldn’t mess this up between us.

“I love you…I mean you’re my best friend”

She replied with a sigh of relief but then she looked at me raising an eyebrow.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just a sudden urge” I mumbled. Wow, did I actually just say that?

“Oh…ok” she said turning back to face the sink. I left the room and started hitting my forehead with palm of my hand. This girl had no idea what she was doing to me.

“Where are we going?” he sighed sitting in the passenger seat.

“Somewhere away from here” I replied starting the car.

We drove around Washington just chatting, listening to music, trying to cheer him up for even a little bit. It was a gorgeous day outside so I stopped at a small park and got out.

“Why are we here?” he asked.

“Because…you need somewhere you can talk to me, since we’re not in Saskatchewan anymore. This will be our spot in Washington, until we go home next week”

“There’s nothing to talk about Jules”

“I can tell by your tone that yes…there certainly is Brooksy, so sit and talk to me”

We sat down at a nearby bench. I sat cross legged facing towards him while he looked straight ahead. I waited for any sign that he would speak, he finally did.

“Losing to Pittburgh, this whole thing with your sister, it’s really been messing with my head”

“What about my sister?” I asked curiously.

“It’s not easy with her coming back and forth, and when she is here, I’m not always here, see, if it was you…it would be a lot easier”

I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands, he had no idea how much I wish it was me. I just looked back up at him and the look on his face broke my heart.

“Look at me” I said. He wouldn’t turn his head so I took his face in my hands so he was looking straight at me, “look at me” I repeated, “Brooks, as for hockey you know you have next season ok? You’re going to be fine. As for my sister, I have seen the way you look at her, and I know how she feels about you and not any amount of distance can change that ok?”

He didn’t say anything and just pulled himself away from me. I just sighed and didn’t say another word. I didn’t know what else to tell him. I just let him run through it in his head. He finally turned his head and looked at me.

“I’m sorry”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I made these past couple weeks miserable” he sighed, “and you’re absolutely right about Teri”

“I know I am” I smiled.

He just playfully nudged me.

“I should tell you something” I said.

“Sure”

“Thank you”

“For what?” he asked curiously.

“For being there through everything that happened with my dad, I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have you Brooks. You keep me…sane”

He just put his hand on my cheek, leaned in slowly, looked at me for just a moment and then placed his lips on my forehead. I drew in a shaky breath and weakly smiled at him.

“Can we just go home?” I asked.

“Sure thing” he replied.

I followed him back to the car and let him drive. I found myself glancing over at him a few times on the way back. As much as I didn’t want to I found myself having inappropriate thoughts, what the hell was this guy doing to me?

“Um, Jules…were home” he said.

“Oh” I said shaking my head. I opened the car door and followed him in and fell onto the couch. I felt him sit down and place my feet on his lap. I sat up on my elbows and looked at him. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling at this moment, I wanted him and only him right now.

“Brooks…”

“Yah?”

I love you, how have you not figured that out?

“Nevermind…it’s not important”

“If you say so” he shrugged.

I laid my head back down and sighed. I had it, I was so close to telling him. The one thing that kept me from saying anything was Teri, I just couldn’t do that to her, even if Brooks didn’t feel the same way, which is probably the case, it just wouldn’t feel right.

I don’t even understand how I can feel this way about him? I’ve known him forever, why are these feelings just coming up now? It just doesn’t make any sense. I just wish he felt the same way so it would make everything easier, he could say it first.

“You ok?” I heard him ask, “you’re mumbling to yourself”

I just nervously laughed, “I’m good…”

I sat up and shut the tv off. I stared at him for a moment before coming out with it.

“Brooks…are you in love?”