Friday, January 29, 2010

disappear || seven

*I know there isn't much to it. but comments are still appreciated:)*


I felt a pillow hit me and I slowly opened my eyes. Julie was sitting on the floor with a look of pure anger on her face. What did I do?

“Why are you on the floor?” was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

“Because you took up half the bed” she huffed.

“Oops” I shrugged.

She grabbed another pillow and threw it at me and I quickly dodged out of the way. She looked at me with a smirk. She was impressed. “Quick reflexes” I laughed.

“How are you not hungover?” she groaned pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I am” I replied, “but I can tolerate the pain”

“Shut up” she spat sitting up on the bed, back facing me.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked.

“Alright…” I sighed, “he was in my dreams again”

Everytime she mentioned her father my heart broke for her. I know how much he meant to her. She was doing so much better, and I was proud of her. I did all I could to help her feel better. I moved my hands and gently rubbed her shoulders and neck.

“Fuck you’re good at that” she groaned. She cocked her head to the side, exposing one side of her neck, it took all my willpower not to press my lips to her neck. She didn’t even know what she did to me. Instead, I distracted myself.

“I know” I said taking my hands away and pinching her sides. She turned but I was already off the bed and running into the living room.


“Shit” I said quietly as I heard Julie yell something about how she’s going to kill me. I was stopped in my tracks when I see Julie’s younger sister Teri sitting on the couch, suitcases surrounding her. I looked down at myself, only in boxers, I turned probably 10 shades of red and so did Teri.

“You can go put a shirt on” Julie mumbled pushing me towards my room.

I heard them talking as I threw a t-shirt over my head and pulled on a pair of jeans. I walked back out to see Teri turn her attention to me, and smiled at me. I smiled back, being friendly when Julie glared at me. I just walked into the kitchen and overheard their conversation.

“Is he single?” I heard Teri ask, I just smirked to myself, and kept my ear towards the room.

“First of all, yes and secondly he’s too old for you”

“How old is he?”

“26”

“How old am I?”

“21” I just shrugged as I threw the number around in my head.

“Age is just a number” she pointed out.

“You’re not his type” Julie replied. This caught my attention. Since when does Julie know my type?

“Are you jealous?” she asked curiously.

“Pshhh, no” Julie replied standing up.

“Well it sounds like you’re trying to keep me away from him”

“He’s not right for you…”

“You can’t stop me Julie…”

“Fine” she huffed, “but I warned you”

I heard her footsteps come by the kitchen and I looked in her direction. I didn’t know what expression was on my face, but she stopped for a minute, confused, angry, I couldn’t think of anything to say, instead I just watched as she disappeared into the bathroom.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

not right for you || six

Sunday rolled around and I had one bad day without Brooks. I just stayed in bed and sobbed hysterically, but I was getting better. There were things that could trigger the tears, like one of his favorite shows on tv, or movie, or commercial, or even song. Right now I was stable.

I heard someone come through the door and I immediately breathed a sigh of relief. I just smiled at him as he came in the room. He just gave me a weak smile and sighed as he sat beside me.

“Drink?” I asked.

“Please”

I stood up and grabbed a bottle of Tequila and two shot glasses. I sat back down beside him and filled the glasses. We looked at each other, nodded and drank it back. My throat burned and I saw him pinch the bridge of his nose and he shook his head.

“Shit!”

“Something wrong?” I asked him.

He put the glass out in front of me and I poured some more and watched him drink it.

“Brooks, talk to me”

“Just a bad road trip for me”

“It’s only October” I reassured him.

“I suppose you’re right” he sighed.

I poured a glass and drank it just as quick.

“You know how to hold your liquor girl” he laughed.

“I have you to thank for that” I said nudging him.

It wasn’t long before we were both seriously hammered. We were laughing hysterically at something we saw on tv, that I don’t even think was that funny. I stood up to get a drink and Brooks followed me, I tripped over myself and he tried to stop me from falling but he fell himself, on top of me. We stopped laughing and I looked straight into his eyes, and he looked straight into mine. For a minute he moved his eyes from mine and looked at my lips and then back up at my eyes with a confused look on his face. He closed his eyes, shook his head and sat up.

“What was that?”

“I’m trashed Julie, it was nothing” he replied.

“Are you not telling me something?”

“Julie, we’re both drunk” he nervously chuckled while barely getting to his feet.

He helped me up and before he could escape I grabbed his arm and took his face in my hands, “you’re not telling me something” he pulled away and I heard him whisper something to himself, “Brooks! You’re scaring me…”

He turned to me and saw how upset I was, his arms were immediately around me, “I’m fine” he reassured me, “you need to stop worrying about me”

“I will always worry about you, the same way you worry about me” I mumbled.

He just squeezed me tighter and I took in his scent. I was too drunk to even remember our conversation.

------

I woke up with an arm around me and a pounding head. I knew it was Brooks, who else would it be. I tried to squirm away but he pulled me back in, “go back to sleep” he murmured. His warm breath on my neck gave me goosebumps, we didn’t normally do this, only the one time when I was terrified to sleep alone. But it felt right, it felt like I was supposed to be here.

I looked at the clock and saw it was 9, three hours later than from when I woke up earlier. My head still pounded and Brooks was still asleep, but he took up half the bed this time. I rolled over and fell off the bed, realizing he took up more than I thought. I grabbed a pillow.

“Brooks you asshole, wake up!” I yelled from the floor.

He groaned and tossed the pillow aside, looking aimlessly before his eyes met with mine. “Why are you on the floor?” he asked.

“Because you took up half the bed” I huffed.

“Oops” he shrugged, “my bad”

I grabbed another pillow and threw it at him and he dodged out of the way. “Quick reflexes” he laughed.

“How are you not hungover?” I groaned pinching the bridge of my nose.

“I am” he replied, “but I can tolerate the pain”


“Shut up” I spat sitting back up on the bed.

“How’d you sleep?” he asked.

“Alright…” I sighed, “he was in my dreams again”

I felt his hands gently rub my shoulders and neck. His warm hands gave me goosebumps. How did he get to me?

“Fuck you’re good at that” I groaned.

“I know” he said taking his hands away and pinching my sides. I turned to hit him but he already dived off the bed and into the living room.

“I’ll kill you, I swear!” I said jumping off the bed and into the living room.

I turned the corner only to find my baby sister sitting on the couch. She was ten shades of red and Brooks had the same reaction.

“You can go put a shirt on” I mumbled pushing him into his room.

“Shit Teri, what are you doing here, and how did you get in?”

“First, I can’t live with mom anymore and two you gave me a key, and told me that if I needed anything you’d be here, I just forgot he was here too”

“What happened?” I asked sitting beside her on the couch.

“Mom is getting frustrating. She’s doing a lot better, but at the same time, she’s really angry too. We’ve had multiple fights over the last few days, and you know me, I never argue”

“I know” I nodded.

I heard Brooks come back out and her eyes diverted from me, to him. She just smiled and I could feel him smiling back. That damn charm of his. I glared back at him and he walked into the kitchen.

“Is he single?” she asked.

“First of all, yes and secondly he’s too old for you”

“How old is he?”

“25”

“How old am I?”

“21”

"Age is just a number” she pointed out.

“You’re not his type”

“Are you jealous?” she asked.

“Pshhh, no” I replied.

“Well it sounds like you’re trying to keep me away from him”

“He’s not right for you…”

“You can’t stop me Julie…”

“Fine” I huffed, “but I warned you”

She just rolled her eyes and I walked past the kitchen and looked at Brooks. Who looked confused. I ignored it and shut the bathroom door behind me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

hiiiii

ok i know i only have two followers in this story, but i would reallllyyy love it if you guys could maybe pass this story on...because i have run out of ways to get this story out there honestly. oh and comments on the chapters would be nice:) jsut so i know what ya's thinkkk. thanks !

-- Julia

Monday, January 25, 2010

falling apart || five

I was back home in DC. Life started to feel somewhat normal again, except for the huge hole in my heart that only my dad could fill. I took leave from my secretary job, forr however long it took. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I just wish something could have warned me that this was coming. I haven’t seen him since his birthday in April, when I surprised him by coming for a visit. I just wanted to hear his voice again. I knew he had a cell phone and it would be turned off, so it would go straight to voicemail. I grabbed my phone and crawled back into bed, while I dialled his number.

“This is Jack, you’ve caught me at a bad time, leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can”

My heart started to break all over again and the tears just kept falling. I kept redialling, hoping the sound of his voice would just be burned into my memory. I listened over and over again, when I heard the door creak open. I slapped my phone shut and just looked over at Brooks.

“What do I do now?” I said quietly, “I’m nothing without him”

He laid down next to me and stared up at the ceiling. I just moved my head and rested it on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat. I felt him run his fingers through my hair and I hugged one arm around his waist. We were used to this, we knew that the affection was only going so far. He was the guy who held me together, he was with me through thick and thin, he was my backbone, without him…I don’t even want to think about it.

“I’ll say one thing. He’s still with you Jules. You know he’s in your thoughts, in your heart…and you are something. You’re one hell of a girl if you ask me” he just looked down and I looked up and smirked at him.

“You know you’re the only thing that’s keeping me from falling apart” I whispered.

“It’s good to know that I’m holding you together”

“I don’t know how I got through 15 years without you”

“I would say the same thing”

It wasn’t long before the silence between us turned into a deep sleep. I was out cold, I was exhausted from crying, jet lag, it all took a toll on me.

-----

I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 12...pm. I slept for 16 hours…how?

I could smell something familiar. One of my favorite foods. I walked into the kitchen to see a chirpy Brooks over a pot and an empty box of Kraft Dinner on the counter. I could hear him humming, I don’t think he knew I was there. I cleared my throat to reveal my presence and he turned and smiled at me.

“Morning, or should I say afternoon sleepy head”

“Hey” I croaked sitting up at the breakfast bar.

“You don’t sound good” he replied with a frown.

“I think I have a cold, probably the reason I slept so long…” my voice sounded worse every second.

“Probably from sitting out in the rain” he said.

I just smirked as he opened the top cupboard and grabbed a box of Tylenol Cold and set one in front of me with a glass of water. I quickly washed it down and laid my head on the counter.

“Thanks” I replied, the word barely able to come out.

“No more talking” he ordered moving back to the boiling pot. It was about the only thing he could make, it’s why I loved it so much. He grabbed my glass and filled it up with more water, “Go take a blanket and sit on the couch” he said.

I just nodded and grabbed his Washington Capitals fleece blanket and grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels, I finally found the Hangover on Paperview. I would ask him if I could but he told me not to talk. I smiled deviously and pressed “order”. Brooks came into the room with a bowl of Kraft Dinner.

“Did you order paperview?” he asked looking at the tv then me.

I couldn’t respond so I just shrugged my shoulders and snatched the bowl from him.

“Still the same old Julie” he said moving back into the kitchen. I just laughed as I put a forkful of Kraft Dinner into my mouth.

When Brooks cleaned up he joined me on the couch.

“You’ll get sick” I just barely said.

“No talking, and I’ll be fine”

I just laid my head back and put my feet on his lap and continued to watch the movie. I felt his fingers move up and down the soles of my feet. I was normally ticklish, but for some reason, this didn’t bother me. In fact, it made me sleepy, or that could have been the drugs. I didn’t care, sleep was the only thing I wanted right now.

-----

I was sick for a few days, and Brooks was by my side the entire time. I woke up in a pool of sweat, I think my fever was gone and my sore throat had finally subsided. I jumped out of bed feeling full rested. I looked around the apartment for Brooks, but no sign of him. I saw a white piece of paper on the counter and his handwriting.

Hey, I would have waked you but I know you’re not feeling good. We’re on a road trip, but only for a few days. Call me if you need anything. See you on Sunday -- Brooks

I pouted immediately wishing I could spend my finally healthy day with Brooks. I was finally starting to feel, myself again. I knew I was going to have bad days, and I hoped that being alone in this huge house wouldn’t trigger anything.

I woke up to the sound of rain tapping on my window. I looked over at my clock and it was 8am. I turned over and saw Brooks still sound asleep. I quietly got up, trying not to disturb him and walked across the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it behind me. I was afraid to look in the mirror, I probably looked exhausted. I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face. It did wake me up, but my stomach felt like it was going to explode.

I walked back into my room and sat crossed legged on the bed. I just watched him sleep. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t want to wake him, but the funeral was at 10, and I knew how long it took him to wake up.

“Brooks” I said quietly.

Nothing.

I poked his stomach and he shifted a bit. I did it again and he shifted more, and you could see he was smiling in his sleep. Finally I slapped him and he immediately shot up.

“Not nice” he smirked pinching my side. I let out a loud squeal and slapped him again.

“Sheesh, don’t be such a girl” he laughed. I just smirked as he got up out of bed.

“We have to leave in an hour…” I was suddenly terrified again. I could feel every nerve in my body tense up the moment I thought about it. I was staring into space until I felt a warm hand on my cheek. I looked down to see Brooks kneeled down to my level.

“Hey” he said quietly.

I just swallowed a lump in my throat, “I don’t know if I can do this. See him like that, the casket is open you know. I might go insane”

“Julie, you have to remember that this man loved you and your sisters” he stated, “with every fiber of his being, you girls were everything to him, you have to remember that when you see him, I’ll be with you the whole time” I just wrapped my arms around his neck and wouldn’t let go. I wish we could just stay like this.

“We have to get ready” he whispered. I sighed and pulled back. He gently kissed my forehead as he stood up and rifled through his bag. I faced away from him and looked through mine, grabbing the black dress and leggings I brought with me. I just pulled my hair into a ponytail and pinned my bangs back. I put on some light foundation, mascara and lip gloss as Brooks knocked on the door.

“You can come in” I replied.

He was in a simple white dress shirt, black blazer, black pants and black dress shoes. I just weakly smiled at him as he reached out for my hand. I held onto it for dear life as I walked down the stairs behind him. I slipped on my black flats and walked out the door with my mom, sisters and my uncle beside me. Brooks sat in the back of Jessica’s car with me and I couldn’t let go of his hand, I’m surprised he hadn’t pulled it away yet.

We stopped at the funeral home and I froze as I stepped out of the car, “I can’t do this” I shook my head. He stepped in front of me and took my face in his hands, staring me down, “you can, I’m here, remember he loved you, remember the good memories Julie, the laughs, and you’ll get through this” he pulled me into a tight hug and led me towards the door. With every step closer, my heart started racing, I was terrified. I kept trying to think of my dad in a happy state, it wasn’t working. I walked into the lobby and desperately grabbed Brooks’ hand. I walked through the lobby and into where the funeral was taking place. I saw his picture at the front of the room and squeezed Brooks’ hand tighter, glancing up at him quickly. The closer I got to the front of the room, the more terrified I got. I saw the open casket, but not what was inside. I was terrified to even look, but I knew I had to do this.

I stopped, seeing him peaceful, like he was sleeping. I was in shock at this point not being able to move, or speak. I started to feel numb again, and that’s when it hit me, first it was small sobs, but I suddenly started to cry hysterically. I let out a shriek before Brooks wrapped his arms around me. I tried to pull away from him but he pulled me back and I sobbed into his chest, everything that’s been held in for the past few days finally came out. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, the pain was almost unbearable. All I could hear was my mother doing the same. What did we do to deserve this?

Everything around me was suddenly in slow motion. I calmed down but a few stray tears would come out. As I sat and watched as a few people came up and spoke about my dad I couldn’t even hear it. It’s like their mouths were moving but nothing was coming out. I was in such a state of shock, that I felt like it was all a dream. A nightmare.

It was finally the moment I was terrified of. He was being buried in the cemetery across the street. My mind finally started to come back to reality as everything moved at a normal pace again.

I stood in front of the casket, now closed, and looked at the six foot deep hole in front of me. I heard them saying something but I didn’t really pay attention, I just felt Brooks’ arm around my shoulder, and an umbrella over our heads as the rain poured down. I probably would have fallen apart if he didn’t come.

The moment they stopped talking and moved towards the casket I froze. He was going into the ground. I couldn’t watch this. I started to pull away from Brooks, he said something but I couldn’t hear him. I suddenly started running, as fast as I could, as far away as I could. I didn’t know where I was going, I was going to run until my lungs couldn’t take it. I didn’t care about the pouring rain. It didn’t even phase me.

I was soaked when I stopped at the one spot Brooks and I loved. The ground was soaked, but it didn’t bother me. I just laid on the grass and felt the rain hit my face, and felt the tears streaming. Everything hit me at once, and I didn’t like it.

I heard fast paced steps and they slowed down to a walk as they got closer. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I just saw him sit cross legged beside me, facing me. He took his thumb and wiped away the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling. His warm hand on my cold cheek gave me goosebumps and I sat up. He saw and immediately pulled his soaked blazer off and put it around my shoulders, not that it would help. I just stared at him, and he stared back, not daring say a word. I finally got up on my knees, pulled the blazer off, wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. This sobbing thing was getting old.

“Don’t leave, promise me you’ll never leave” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“I’m here babe” he said squeezing me tighter, “I’m not going anywhere”

Sunday, January 24, 2010

crying || three

The drive was silent, I just stared out the window as my thoughts ran. I needed a distraction, I just didn’t know what. As we stopped at a red light I saw the spot where Brooks and I spent a lot of our time as teenagers, it was our escape from family, high school drama and everything in between.

“Can we stop?”

He just nodded and parked on the side of the road. There wasn’t too many people around, which was how I liked it. I walked over to the swings and sat on one, Brooks took the one beside me.

“Remember the first time we came here?”

“I do” he nodded.

I just smiled thinking back to the first time we came here. A boyfriend I had, Brian, when I was 16, dumped me for another girl. I was absolutely devastated, and skipped my classes after lunch. I ran here, and I really don’t know why. I sat on this very swing, crying my eyes out to the point where I couldn’t even see in front of me. Suddenly I felt two arms around me, normally I would jump up in fear, but I knew those arms all too well. Brooks skipped class when he realized I was gone and came looking for me. He calmed me down, he just had this natural way about him, that was calming, soothing. He took me back to his car and we skipped the rest of the afternoon. Listening to classic break-up songs and singing them at the top of our lungs. By the time the day was over, I forgot who Brian was. I laughed thinking back to when I got home and my dad had found out about us skipping. He was more furious at Brooks for not taking me back.

“What?” he asked.

“Remember my dad? He was practically livid”

“Oh I couldn’t forget that” he laughed, “your dad was really strict about your education”

“I know” I sighed, “and I gave it up for you”

“You could have went back” he said, “I didn’t force you”

“I needed a change” I replied quickly, “it was my choice”. I felt my stomach grumble, you could hear it from a mile away.

“I think we should eat” he smirked.

“I agree”

We got back to the car and stopped at a small diner we always went to. It was really homey, we all knew each other. As soon as they saw me come in, there was silence.

“I knew this would happen” I mumbled. I tried to escape but Brooks grabbed my hand and dragged me to a booth.

Dorothy, the owner of the diner came to our table and just looked at me with sad eyes.

“I’m really sorry about your dad sweetie”

“Yah…can I just have a coke please?” I asked changing the subject.

“Sure thing” she smiled disappearing back into the kitchen.

“Why here?”

“Because it’s the only place with decent food in this god-forsaken town” he said.

“Fine” I grumbled sitting back crossing my arms over my chest.

When she placed our food in front of us, there was silence. I hated silence, because my mind starts to run on overdrive.

“Question” I asked setting my fork down.

“Shoot”

“Tell me why after I just lost one of the most important men in my life, I can’t cry. Everyone else seems to be able to…why can’t I. It’s all I want to do”

He sighed tossing his napkin back onto the table, “honestly I couldn’t tell you, I wish I knew. One of these days it will come out, something inside will snap”

“I need you there when that happens”

“I’ll be there” he said quickly, “wherever, whenever”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you as a friend”

He just smiled, “you’d do the same”

“Damn right I would”

He just smirked and I looked down at my food, my appetite suddenly disappeared, “I’m full”

“You barely ate half!”

“I ate didn’t I?”

He just sighed, “I suppose this is true”

As he finished and paid I went back out to the car, it was getting late, the jet lag was getting to me.

“Are you as tired as I am?”

“Probably” he said nodding his head.

“I need a bed” I said getting back into the car.

We parked in the driveway and stepped back into the house. That eerie feeling hit me again and I suddenly felt depressed. I was missing him more every minute. I avoided eye contact with the rest of the family and went upstairs, keeping my eyes away from the pictures. I stepped into my room and flipped down all the frames with my dad in them, and took some off the wall. Brooks didn’t dare say a word as I pulled my pj’s, sweats and a t-shirt, out of my bag.

“Um, you think you could turn around?” I asked.

“Oh yah, of course” he said with a nervous chuckle. He just rubbed the back of his neck and looked like he lost all train of thought.

“Facing the other way” I said.

“Sorry” he said turning quickly.

I swiftly pulled off my shirt and jeans, slipping on my sweats and t-shirt. I pulled the covers back and looked in his direction, “you’re good”

He just turned around and pulled his shirt over his head and took his jeans off. He walked towards the couch but I stopped him.

“Um, do you mind?” I asked patting the bed next to me.

“Seriously?”

“We’re just sleeping” I smirked.

“Alright” he shrugged as I laid on my side facing the wall. I felt the bed dip down beside me and covers pull a bit. I reached behind me and put his arm around my waist. I felt his muscles tense up, “you ok?”

“Fine” he said as his muscles relaxed. I switched off the lamp and almost melted into him, “thank you” I whispered, “you’re welcome” he mumbled into my hair and it wasn’t long before I felt myself drift off to sleep.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

lucky || two

“Of course I’ll come with you” he said.

“You sure it won’t ruin your hockey schedule? I mean, I missed the wake already…” I asked.

“You’re more important” he said.

“I don’t want to interfere--”

“Shut up Julie” he said, “you talk too much. I said I’d come, I’m not letting you go at this alone, plus it’s only October, the team will understand…”

I let out a small smile and he responded back with one, “there’s that smile” he said. I just wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. I felt him gently kiss the top of my head and squeeze me a bit tighter before he pulled back. He just stared at me, and his eyes diverted to my lips for a split second and then he looked back up at me before walking away. What was that?

-----

We were leaving today. As I packed a few things into my bag my hands shook like crazy. Every nerve in my body was on edge, I was terrified. I don’t know if I could handle seeing my family in so much pain, my mother, my sisters…

Brooks sat on the bed beside my open suitcase as I shoved something else inside. He saw my shaking hand and took it in his, stopping me from packing. My hand immediately stopped shaking. Sometimes I wonder how he has put up with me these past 9 years, how someone as amazing as him came into my life, how was I this lucky?

“How the hell did I get so lucky?” I asked him.

“I should be asking that question” he replied.

“If you so much as try and leave, I’ll beat you up” I said as I sat beside him, still my hand in his.

“I wouldn’t dare” he smirked.

-----

The flight was long and tiresome, but I was back home, or I mean we were back home. This is where we grew up, where we met, where we shared a lot of memories and a lot of heartbreaks. Today…wasn’t exactly going to be a happy memory.

I sighed a breath of relief as I stepped out into the Saskatchewan air. I was nervous, terrfied, but relieved. As soon as I spotted my sister, I was more terrified then ever. I felt her arms around me, and was surprised when I still couldn’t cry, when it looks like she’s been crying for days. I saw her fiancee Dave over her shoulder and he just nodded in my direction as I gave him a weak smile. She pulled away and I just wiped the tears from her eyes, “we’re going to get through this” I promised her.

We arrived at my mom’s house and the moment I stepped out of the car I froze, how was I supposed to step foot in there if he wasn’t there. Brooks saw me staring into space and gently placed his hand on my back.

“You ok?” he whispered in my ear.

“Don’t leave my side” I simply said.

“Never”

I stepped in the door and it felt different. Eerie. Empty without my dad’s presence. I saw my mom in the living room. She wasn’t crying to my surprise, it must be where I get my strength, she’s the strongest woman I ever met. Her and dad were so alike.

“Hi sweetie” she said standing up and giving me a quick hug.

“How are you mom?” I asked.

“Better than expected” she weakly smiled, “Oh hello Brooks”

“Hey Mrs. Williams” he said giving her a hug.

Our families were really close, ever since Brooks and I met when I was the new kid in school and he was nice enough to show me around. We bonded through hockey, it was almost the only thing we had in common. It’s still the same today.

“I’m sure you guys are exhausted” my mother said, “you can stay in your old room. Brooks, there is a spare bedroom across the hall” he just nodded, following behind me as I walked up the stairs and stepped into my old room. They never touched it. It was the same as when I left. Pictures never moved, they didn’t repaint, as ugly as the purple walls were. Why did I pick purple?

I set my stuff down and sat down on the queen size bed that I once slept in as a teenager, before Brooks offered me his spare bedroom in DC just a year ago, when I was mooching off my parents. I needed a change, plus he said it was boring by himself. Even if he was barely around.

He sat beside me as I took everything in. I was silent and he didn’t speak a word. He understood, and that’s one of the many things I adored about him. He knew when to talk and when not to talk. He waited for me to say something.

“Thank you for coming” I said quietly.

“Anything for you Jules” he smiled.

“Can you stay in here?” I asked, “tonight, I don’t know if I can sleep in this room alone”

He looked a little shocked at my question but agreed. All I needed was his presence in the room, so I knew I wasn’t alone. Especially considering tomorrow was going to be one of the most terrifying days of my life.

“Ok, how about we get something to eat?” he said breaking the silence.

“I don’t know…”

“Do this for me” he pleaded, “I need to know you’re eating…I can’t have you passing out on me, plus you’re family’s been through enough…”

“Fine” I sighed pulling myself off the bed.

I walked down the hall behind him, finally looking at the pictures on the wall I refused to look at on the way to my room. The pain stung and I felt myself clutching my stomach, putting my hand on the wall to keep my balance.

“You ok?” Brooks asked with a worried look.

“First I‘m numb, now everything hurts” I said quietly.

“I know” he said pulling me up to him and wrapping his arms around me. He really got to me, I don’t think he realized how much I needed him. I kept my eyes on the ground and followed Brooks down the stairs, I had to get out of this house.

I slipped my shoes on and grabbed Brooks’ hand and my moms car keys. I handed him the keys because I knew I was in no condition to drive right now, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

“Where are we going?” he asked pulling onto the road.

“Anywhere but this house…”

Friday, January 22, 2010

how can he be gone? || one

I found myself staring at the phone I just hung up, sitting up against the cupboard on the kitchen floor. I had just spoken to my sister, and yet the tears still couldn’t fall. He’s really gone. The strongest man I had ever known is no longer on this earth, I just talked to him yesterday, he was perfectly fine. Right now I was completely numb, I couldn’t feel the pain, I couldn’t cry, honestly…it’s how I liked it.

The one person I needed right now, my best friend, wasn’t here. He wouldn’t be back till tomorrow, how was I supposed to stay in this empty house by myself? My dad’s picture was everywhere, all it would do would haunt me. It would just be one of many future sleepless nights. I finally looked back down at the cordless phone in my hands and dialled his number.

“Hey Jules!”

“Brooks…”

He knew something was wrong, “what happened?”

“My dad…died…” it felt surreal saying it, like it was impossible for this to be true.

“Shit Julie, were not even in DC…I’m going to be there as soon as I can”

“I just needed your voice right now” there was no emotion in my voice.

“I’m sorry baby” he said quietly.

“I can’t even cry. It’s like I’m numb…”

“Julie, go to your sister’s…you can’t be by yourself”

“I’ll be ok Brooks, don’t worry about me”

I hung up the phone and it took all my energy to stand up. I reached for the pantry above the fridge, where I knew Brooks kept the liquor. I grabbed the first bottle I could, I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t care. I sat on the couch and kept drinking, I was already numb to the pain, now all I wanted was to forget about it all. Forget my dad is gone.

------

I woke up, barely able to lift my head without the pain hitting me like a brick. I laid back and turned my head to see my best friend, staring at me. What did I do?

“Hi” I groaned.

“I told you to go to Jessica’s” he snapped.

“When?”

“I can’t believe you did this to yourself again” he sighed standing up.

I ignored the pain in my head and sat up, I didn’t even feel hungover, I still felt drunk. I ran my hands through my hair and thought back. All I could remember was that my dad died. It’s the only thing I wanted to forget about and it was the only thing I could remember. I wasn’t sad, I was angry. He left without saying goodbye. He left me here, he said he’d always be here.

I put my head in my hands as I felt the couch dip down beside me and two arms wrap around me. I just rested my head on his chest, trying to let it out, but not a single tear would come out. I used more energy trying to cry then I did missing him.

“You know you don’t have to be this strong” he whispered.

“I know…I just can’t cry, it‘s all I want to do”

I looked around the house, it was a mess, in my opinion. This is as clean as it gets for Brooks. I stared at the pictures on the shelf. Dad and I on graduation day, that was the best day of my life. I felt Brooks’ hand on my back, rubbing circles over my spine. I stood up and looked at the picture closely. How happy we both were, this couldn’t be happening he couldn’t just be gone.

“He can’t be gone” I said quietly, “he was fine, he wasn’t sick and all of a sudden he just drops…why?” my mind was spinning with ‘what if’s?’, ‘why’s?’, ‘how’s?’.

“I don’t know sweetie” he said coming up behind me. He put one arm around my shoulder and I just crossed my arms across my chest and put my head on his shoulder. The shoulder I have been leaning on since I was 15 years old, he was 16, getting heartbroken time and time again. Telling me that these guys were jerks to give me up. This time was different, it was a heartbreak yes, but my dad wasn’t a jerk. He was incredible, strong, funny and was always smiling. He was the sweetest guy I knew, and he never lied to me. But this time he did, he told me he wasn’t going anywhere. I know everyone dies at some point, but it was too soon, he was so young still. I don’t get it…

“Tell me what happened” he said.

“What?” I said turning to face him.

“What happened?”

I hesitated for a minute, staring right at him, but I spoke, “It happened yesterday morning. He was fine, in a chipper mood as always. He was making breakfast. My mom looked away for a split second and when she turned back he was on the floor…he just…died” how in the hell were tears not streaming down my face right now?

He just wrapped his arms around me again and it was the only safe place I had right now. I took in the scent that was Brooks as I heard him whisper, “I’m sorry”. I couldn’t respond to him, I just wanted to stay with him. He pulled back and gently kissed my forehead, “you should eat something” he told me.

“I’m not hungry”

“Julie…”

“Please, don’t” I pleaded.

He sighed and just nodded his head, “I’m going to take a shower, you sure you’re ok?”

“No” I simply said, “but I can survive for fifteen minutes”

“Ten” he said.

“Ok”

I just retreated back to my couch and wrapped a blanket around me. The funeral was this weekend, back home in Saskatchewan. I wanted Brooks, no, I needed Brooks to come with me. He must be able to be away for a couple days, I couldn’t do this alone. I know my family was there, but they’d all be grieving in their own way and Brooks would be the only one that would keep me intact.