drowning

“Of course I’ll come with you” he said.

“You sure it won’t ruin your hockey schedule? I mean, I missed the wake already…” I asked.

“You’re more important” he said.

“I don’t want to interfere--”

“Shut up Julie” he said, “you talk too much. I said I’d come, I’m not letting you go at this alone, plus it’s only October, the team will understand…”

I let out a small smile and he responded back with one, “there’s that smile” he said. I just wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. I felt him gently kiss the top of my head and squeeze me a bit tighter before he pulled back. He just stared at me, and his eyes diverted to my lips for a split second and then he looked back up at me before walking away. What was that?

-----

We were leaving today. As I packed a few things into my bag my hands shook like crazy. Every nerve in my body was on edge, I was terrified. I don’t know if I could handle seeing my family in so much pain, my mother, my sisters…

Brooks sat on the bed beside my open suitcase as I shoved something else inside. He saw my shaking hand and took it in his, stopping me from packing. My hand immediately stopped shaking. Sometimes I wonder how he has put up with me these past 9 years, how someone as amazing as him came into my life, how was I this lucky?

“How the hell did I get so lucky?” I asked him.

“I should be asking that question” he replied.

“If you so much as try and leave, I’ll beat you up” I said as I sat beside him, still my hand in his.

“I wouldn’t dare” he smirked.

-----

The flight was long and tiresome, but I was back home, or I mean we were back home. This is where we grew up, where we met, where we shared a lot of memories and a lot of heartbreaks. Today…wasn’t exactly going to be a happy memory.

I sighed a breath of relief as I stepped out into the Saskatchewan air. I was nervous, terrfied, but relieved. As soon as I spotted my sister, I was more terrified then ever. I felt her arms around me, and was surprised when I still couldn’t cry, when it looks like she’s been crying for days. I saw her fiancee Dave over her shoulder and he just nodded in my direction as I gave him a weak smile. She pulled away and I just wiped the tears from her eyes, “we’re going to get through this” I promised her.

We arrived at my mom’s house and the moment I stepped out of the car I froze, how was I supposed to step foot in there if he wasn’t there. Brooks saw me staring into space and gently placed his hand on my back.

“You ok?” he whispered in my ear.

“Don’t leave my side” I simply said.

“Never”

I stepped in the door and it felt different. Eerie. Empty without my dad’s presence. I saw my mom in the living room. She wasn’t crying to my surprise, it must be where I get my strength, she’s the strongest woman I ever met. Her and dad were so alike.

“Hi sweetie” she said standing up and giving me a quick hug.

“How are you mom?” I asked.

“Better than expected” she weakly smiled, “Oh hello Brooks”

“Hey Mrs. Williams” he said giving her a hug.

Our families were really close, ever since Brooks and I met when I was the new kid in school and he was nice enough to show me around. We bonded through hockey, it was almost the only thing we had in common. It’s still the same today.

“I’m sure you guys are exhausted” my mother said, “you can stay in your old room. Brooks, there is a spare bedroom across the hall” he just nodded, following behind me as I walked up the stairs and stepped into my old room. They never touched it. It was the same as when I left. Pictures never moved, they didn’t repaint, as ugly as the purple walls were. Why did I pick purple?

I set my stuff down and sat down on the queen size bed that I once slept in as a teenager, before Brooks offered me his spare bedroom in DC just a year ago, when I was mooching off my parents. I needed a change, plus he said it was boring by himself. Even if he was barely around.

He sat beside me as I took everything in. I was silent and he didn’t speak a word. He understood, and that’s one of the many things I adored about him. He knew when to talk and when not to talk. He waited for me to say something.

“Thank you for coming” I said quietly.

“Anything for you Jules” he smiled.

“Can you stay in here?” I asked, “tonight, I don’t know if I can sleep in this room alone”

He looked a little shocked at my question but agreed. All I needed was his presence in the room, so I knew I wasn’t alone. Especially considering tomorrow was going to be one of the most terrifying days of my life.

“Ok, how about we get something to eat?” he said breaking the silence.

“I don’t know…”

“Do this for me” he pleaded, “I need to know you’re eating…I can’t have you passing out on me, plus you’re family’s been through enough…”

“Fine” I sighed pulling myself off the bed.

I walked down the hall behind him, finally looking at the pictures on the wall I refused to look at on the way to my room. The pain stung and I felt myself clutching my stomach, putting my hand on the wall to keep my balance.

“You ok?” Brooks asked with a worried look.

“First I‘m numb, now everything hurts” I said quietly.

“I know” he said pulling me up to him and wrapping his arms around me. He really got to me, I don’t think he realized how much I needed him. I kept my eyes on the ground and followed Brooks down the stairs, I had to get out of this house.

I slipped my shoes on and grabbed Brooks’ hand and my moms car keys. I handed him the keys because I knew I was in no condition to drive right now, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

“Where are we going?” he asked pulling onto the road.

“Anywhere but this house…”