drowning

I woke up to the sound of rain tapping on my window. I looked over at my clock and it was 8am. I turned over and saw Brooks still sound asleep. I quietly got up, trying not to disturb him and walked across the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it behind me. I was afraid to look in the mirror, I probably looked exhausted. I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face. It did wake me up, but my stomach felt like it was going to explode.

I walked back into my room and sat crossed legged on the bed. I just watched him sleep. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t want to wake him, but the funeral was at 10, and I knew how long it took him to wake up.

“Brooks” I said quietly.

Nothing.

I poked his stomach and he shifted a bit. I did it again and he shifted more, and you could see he was smiling in his sleep. Finally I slapped him and he immediately shot up.

“Not nice” he smirked pinching my side. I let out a loud squeal and slapped him again.

“Sheesh, don’t be such a girl” he laughed. I just smirked as he got up out of bed.

“We have to leave in an hour…” I was suddenly terrified again. I could feel every nerve in my body tense up the moment I thought about it. I was staring into space until I felt a warm hand on my cheek. I looked down to see Brooks kneeled down to my level.

“Hey” he said quietly.

I just swallowed a lump in my throat, “I don’t know if I can do this. See him like that, the casket is open you know. I might go insane”

“Julie, you have to remember that this man loved you and your sisters” he stated, “with every fiber of his being, you girls were everything to him, you have to remember that when you see him, I’ll be with you the whole time” I just wrapped my arms around his neck and wouldn’t let go. I wish we could just stay like this.

“We have to get ready” he whispered. I sighed and pulled back. He gently kissed my forehead as he stood up and rifled through his bag. I faced away from him and looked through mine, grabbing the black dress and leggings I brought with me. I just pulled my hair into a ponytail and pinned my bangs back. I put on some light foundation, mascara and lip gloss as Brooks knocked on the door.

“You can come in” I replied.

He was in a simple white dress shirt, black blazer, black pants and black dress shoes. I just weakly smiled at him as he reached out for my hand. I held onto it for dear life as I walked down the stairs behind him. I slipped on my black flats and walked out the door with my mom, sisters and my uncle beside me. Brooks sat in the back of Jessica’s car with me and I couldn’t let go of his hand, I’m surprised he hadn’t pulled it away yet.

We stopped at the funeral home and I froze as I stepped out of the car, “I can’t do this” I shook my head. He stepped in front of me and took my face in his hands, staring me down, “you can, I’m here, remember he loved you, remember the good memories Julie, the laughs, and you’ll get through this” he pulled me into a tight hug and led me towards the door. With every step closer, my heart started racing, I was terrified. I kept trying to think of my dad in a happy state, it wasn’t working. I walked into the lobby and desperately grabbed Brooks’ hand. I walked through the lobby and into where the funeral was taking place. I saw his picture at the front of the room and squeezed Brooks’ hand tighter, glancing up at him quickly. The closer I got to the front of the room, the more terrified I got. I saw the open casket, but not what was inside. I was terrified to even look, but I knew I had to do this.

I stopped, seeing him peaceful, like he was sleeping. I was in shock at this point not being able to move, or speak. I started to feel numb again, and that’s when it hit me, first it was small sobs, but I suddenly started to cry hysterically. I let out a shriek before Brooks wrapped his arms around me. I tried to pull away from him but he pulled me back and I sobbed into his chest, everything that’s been held in for the past few days finally came out. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, the pain was almost unbearable. All I could hear was my mother doing the same. What did we do to deserve this?

Everything around me was suddenly in slow motion. I calmed down but a few stray tears would come out. As I sat and watched as a few people came up and spoke about my dad I couldn’t even hear it. It’s like their mouths were moving but nothing was coming out. I was in such a state of shock, that I felt like it was all a dream. A nightmare.

It was finally the moment I was terrified of. He was being buried in the cemetery across the street. My mind finally started to come back to reality as everything moved at a normal pace again.

I stood in front of the casket, now closed, and looked at the six foot deep hole in front of me. I heard them saying something but I didn’t really pay attention, I just felt Brooks’ arm around my shoulder, and an umbrella over our heads as the rain poured down. I probably would have fallen apart if he didn’t come.

The moment they stopped talking and moved towards the casket I froze. He was going into the ground. I couldn’t watch this. I started to pull away from Brooks, he said something but I couldn’t hear him. I suddenly started running, as fast as I could, as far away as I could. I didn’t know where I was going, I was going to run until my lungs couldn’t take it. I didn’t care about the pouring rain. It didn’t even phase me.

I was soaked when I stopped at the one spot Brooks and I loved. The ground was soaked, but it didn’t bother me. I just laid on the grass and felt the rain hit my face, and felt the tears streaming. Everything hit me at once, and I didn’t like it.

I heard fast paced steps and they slowed down to a walk as they got closer. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I just saw him sit cross legged beside me, facing me. He took his thumb and wiped away the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling. His warm hand on my cold cheek gave me goosebumps and I sat up. He saw and immediately pulled his soaked blazer off and put it around my shoulders, not that it would help. I just stared at him, and he stared back, not daring say a word. I finally got up on my knees, pulled the blazer off, wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. This sobbing thing was getting old.

“Don’t leave, promise me you’ll never leave” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“I’m here babe” he said squeezing me tighter, “I’m not going anywhere”