Thursday, November 4, 2010

don't leave me here || fifteen

Wowwwww, it's been ages since I wrote for this story. Well, wait no more. I do have some ideas up my sleeve, so I thought I'd post this, it was half written for a long time now. I just finished it tonight, so I hope you enjoy! Comments are appreciated:)

Why was she doing this? I couldn’t lose her. Maybe if I tell her how I feel she’ll stay.

“Julie…you belong here”

“No I don’t” she said quietly, “Teri belongs here”

“Forget about Teri”

“No, she’s my sister, and you love her, she loves you…”

“I don’t love her”

She just looked up at me, with that look in her eyes I saw every single day, she looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was.

“What? But when I asked if you were in love, you--”

“I’m not in love with her”

“Then if not her, then--” her eyes widened and she moved back, “no….

I just nodded slowly, I didn’t know what else to say at this point. Her face changed emotion every few seconds. I didn’t know how to respond. I just told her I was in love with her. She stood up, went to her room and I heard the door shut.

“Julie” I said knocking on the door, “Don’t do this”

“Are you lying to me?” I heard her ask.

“I wouldn’t lie to you about this”

“How long?”

“Since I met you” he simply said.

She swung the door open and just stared at me. Her face was tear streaked. She looked absolutely terrified, “You’ve loved me for 9 years and you’re just telling me this now!”

I just cleared my throat and kept eye contact, “Yes. Please don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way”

She just stared at me and I was beginning to think the worst. Maybe this was a bad idea. This was going to ruin everything. Everything we have together.

“Maybe…” she said, “Which is why I can’t stay here” She went to shut the door but my hand stopped it. She might be strong, but I wasn’t letting her go that easily.

“I’m not letting you slip through my fingers Julie. Not this time” I said. I did all I could, I kissed her. She didn’t even try to stop me. In fact, when I tried to pull away for a breath, she pulled me back.

We stumbled into the bedroom and I kicked the door shut behind me and she pulled me down onto the bed. This whole moment felt like it was going in slow motion. She had no idea how long I’ve been wanting this.

I slowed her down immediately. If we were going to do this, I wasn’t going to rush it. I wanted her, every part of her.

I stopped her wandering hands and gently kissed her, softly, slowly. My lips travelled down her neck while my hands made their way under her shirt, where they have been longing to go for so long.

*Julie’s POV*

I didn’t know what was going on at this point, all I knew was that I liked it, and I wasn’t by any means going to stop him. I couldn’t help but let a quiet moan escape my mouth when his lips brushed my ear.

“You’ve dreamt about this haven’t you?” he mumbled as his lips travelled from my ear down my jaw line.

I drew in a sharp breath and just nodded, “Mhmm”

“You want me to keep going?”

“Yes”

“You want me to make love to you Julie?” he whispered into my ear.

I just nodded.

He wasted no time and pulled my shirt over my head. He had me. I had no control over my actions anymore, he was in complete control. I didn’t know if there was anything that could stop me. I was wrong.

“You bitch” I heard from the doorway. Brooks jumped off of me immediately and I saw Teri standing in the doorway.

“Teri…”

“And you, you said you loved me” she said directing her eyes to Brooks. I could see the pain in her eyes, it broke my heart. She started to leave and I grabbed my shirt and threw it over my head.

“Teri, there’s nothing going on, I promise” I said following her.

“Don’t you dare lie to me” she said turning around, “Either of you”

“I love her” I heard Brooks say. The one time he decides to speak, perfect timing. You could tell those words pierced through her heart. I didn’t know what to do. I watched her leave the apartment and I stood there, and didn’t say a word. I was afraid to look at him.

“I told you I couldn’t stay here” I said without making eye contact, “I have to leave” I went towards the bedroom but he caught my arm and I couldn’t break free.

“Do you not understand that this whole thing is meant to be? Stop running from me, please” he just pushed me against the wall in order to keep me from going anywhere, “I’m not tied to your sister anymore, don’t use that excuse. I love you, from the day I met you Julie, and I know you feel something, because what just happened in there was not one-sided”

I took a deep breath, “I admit, something is there Brooks, I won’t deny it. But, I still have to go. I need to do this for me, I have to straighten this whole thing out, my heart is not in a state to be with you right now. I don’t want to hurt you, okay? Please respect that”

He slowly let me go and I went to my room and finished packing my things. I heard him behind me, but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t look at him right now, I’d immediately feel guilty.

“I have to do this” I said keeping my eyes on my suitcase.

“You’ll be back here, sooner than you think” he replied.

“What makes you so sure?” I snapped turning around to look at him.

“Because I know you” he replied.

“That means nothing” I half laughed.

“I know you feel the same way, and it’s only a matter of time before you finally realize it”

“You’re such a jerk!”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re so selfish. You want this so badly it’s like you’re trying to force it on me. What if I don’t want to feel like this?”

He sighed, “It’s not something you can control Julie…it just happens, whether it’s the opportune time for you or not”

I looked up at him and just sighed, “I just broke my sister’s heart, you just broke my sister’s heart and all you can think about is this? I can’t do this Brooks, I can’t be with you knowing what it did to my sister, not right now”

“You can’t leave me here without you” he said.

“I’m sorry…I have to”

Monday, July 5, 2010

stay || fourteen

“Oh…Brooks…” his lips sucked on the sweet spot on my neck and his kisses trailed down my chest and stomach.

His hands were soft as silk over every inch of my body. I couldn’t take it anymore and I grabbed his face, kissing him passionately. I thrusted my hips upward into him, indicating I was ready.

My heart was pounding, my body was covered in sweat as our bodies moved in perfect sync together, I pressed my lips to his one more time before he pulled himself away and fell beside me.

“Julie…Julie!” I opened my eyes and felt Brooks’ hand on my arm. I was not in bed, in fact I was on a plane on my way home to Washington, “you ok?”

I just rubbed my eyes and sat up, “yah, I’m fine” I groaned.

“What were you dreaming about, you seemed pretty happy”

I snapped my head around to look at him, “nothing…important” I said nervously.

He just narrowed his eyes, “what’s going on Jules?”

“Nothing, I promise, I’m just tired”

“Fine” he went back to reading the magazine he had in his hand and I just sighed. I’ve never dreamt about Brooks like that before. I just turned my head and looked at him, he was too into what he was reading. He looked…perfect. I’ve never wanted him more. Also, the dream had a hand in that.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and sighed. He just looked over at me, “you need a place to sleep?”

I just nodded my head. He put his magazine down and shifted and offered his shoulder. I just grabbed my hoodie, balled it up and laid on his shoulder. It was the most comfortable place I have ever slept. Actually, it really wasn’t, but I didn’t really care, cause there was no place else I’d rather be.

I felt someone wake me up and I slowly opened my eyes and looked up at Brooks, “were landing soon” he said.

“Oh” I said quietly sitting up.

“Sleep ok?”

I just nodded, “thank you”

He smoothed down a section of my hair that was sticking out, “anytime” he smiled. I kept eye contact with him for a few seconds. What is going on in that head of his?

I felt us land and I just breathed a sigh of relief. I hated flying with a passion.

When we got back to the house I threw my bags on the floor and laid down on the couch. He lifted my feet up, sat down and rested them on his lap. His fingers traced up and down them, I just sighed and kept my eyes focused on the ceiling.

“Are you seriously ok?” he asked me.

I just looked at him and sighed and shook my head. He knew me too well, I couldn’t hide that something was bothering me, he would eventually figure it out.

“What’s going on?”

“I can figure it out on my own” I said pulling my feet away and sitting up.

“Don’t shut me out” he said quietly, “you never shut me out”

“This time it’s not any of your business” I huffed.

“Jules…you can’t just tell me something’s wrong, and then not tell me what it is”

“I can if I want to” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

He reached over and pulled them apart and just looked at me. I did all I could to overt eye contact, but it was impossible. I just sighed and felt the waterworks coming, I tried to hold them back, but a stray tear did fall.

His thumb immediately came up and wiped it away, “please just tell me what’s wrong”

“I don’t think I can stay here anymore…”

He narrowed his eyes and then cocked his head to the side, “What? Why?”

I needed a quick excuse, “because of Teri, she’s here, and when I’m here it’s just awkward, I think it’s better that I find my own place here instead…”

“Julie, you’re not making any sense”

Even I knew that, but what else was I supposed to say? I love you? That wouldn’t fly with Brooks, he’d just end up leaving, I know him. I needed to be away from him, it was the only way to get over this.

“Just let me do this…”

“I don’t understand you sometimes”

I just smirked, “that’s okay”

“Please just stay” he whispered.

“I can’t”

“Yes…you can”

He was stubborn sometimes. There wasn’t much I could do to convince him that this had to be done without revealing how I felt about him. Plus, he loved Teri, he said so himself. I wasn’t going to be one to get in the way of that, especially since it was my sister.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Keep Going?

I would like to know if i should keep going with this story. I've been trying to clean up my blogger a bit. Because you never know when a new story idea can hit :P and I'm torn on which ones to keep. So it would be great if you could comment on this and let me know if I should keep going with it : ) Thanks !

Saturday, April 24, 2010

second best || thirteen

It was the wedding day and Jess was terribly nervous. I did all I could to calm her down, but it didn’t do much good. I had no experience being a bride, what could I do? The nerves were hitting her like a ton of bricks. I just hope she didn’t get cold feet, I knew she loved Dave too much…

“Ok Jess, we’re just going to leave you alone with Mom”

“Ok” she mumbled.

We all left the room and Mom went in and shut the door. I met Brooks in the hallway whose eyes almost bugged out of his head.

“You alright?” I asked him.

“You look beautiful” he said.

I just felt my face get hot and I half smiled, “Thanks, you look pretty good yourself”

He just smiled and went to say something when Teri ended up beside me, “Hey Brooks”

“Hey baby” he said nervously rubbing the back of his neck, “you look great”

“Thanks” she smiled.

I just swallowed a lump in my throat as I watched the two of them chat, the way she was talking, touching his arm, the way he was gently playing with her hair, how close she was…

I turned my attention away and spotted a familiar face at the end of the hall.

“Brooks” I said tapping his shoulder.

“Yah?”

“Isn’t that one of your teammates?” I asked curiously.

He looked over Teri’s shoulder and nodded, “Yah, that’s Steckel…”

“I thought so”

“What’s he doing here?”

“Why don’t you go ask him?” I replied sarcastically.

“That could work” he replied with a half smile.

I watched Teri who couldn’t keep her eyes off of him, seriously, it made me sick. I finally admit I’m jealous of the two of them, but I also admit, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot that I can do about it.

“Julie” I heard my mom’s voice, “she’s ok”

“Really?”

“Yah”

The ceremony went as planned and I cried almost the whole time, happy tears of course. The reception afterwards was going to be another story. It was actually back at my mom’s house, in our huge backyard.

A small amount of close family and friends got back to my mom’s house for the reception. I sat back with my third drink as I watched Brooks and Teri, I knew it was going to be a long night.

“You don’t think you’re overdoing it there?” I heard someone ask.

I turned around to see Brooks’ teammate David Steckel. I just sighed and replied, “I’ll be fine”

“Something up with you and Laich?” he asked reaching back for a drink.

“No” I said quickly, “he’s my best friend”

“Oh…so you’re Julie” he said.

“Yes” I nodded.

“He talks about you”

“Really?” I said cocking my head to the side, “good things?”

“You’d think he was in love with you the way he talks sometimes, but he totally denies it”

I just swallowed a lump in my throat, “we’re pretty tight” I said doing my best to ignore his observation.

“It seems that way” he replied, “anyways the reason I came over here was because I wanted to ask you to dance”

I just shrugged, “Yah, sure, why not”

I set my drink down and took his hand and he led me to the dance floor. I put one hand on his shoulder and took his other hand.

“So, how did you end up invited?” I asked.

“I grew up with Dave” he said.

“Oh, that’s cool” I said, “he never mentioned it. But she did meet Dave in the states while at school, wait, two Daves, how doesn’t that get confusing?”

“Oh, it does” he laughed.

I just smirked, “You’d think he would have talked about having a friend in the NHL”

“Dave’s humble that way” he replied, “so you’re Jess’ sister?”

“Big sister” I corrected him, “I adore her”

He just laughed, “well I’ve seen you guys together, you’re great”

I just smiled when I felt Brooks’ hand on my waist, which caused my stomach to flip, “you mind if I steal her?” he asked.

“Go for it” replied Dave pulling back.

I just sighed and took Brooks’ hand and put my other on his shoulder, “where’s Teri?”

“She’s talking to Jess” he said, “what are you doing with him?”

“He asked me to dance, I said yes. Do you have a problem with that?” I asked.

“No” he said quickly, “I just never thought he’d be your type”

“I didn’t say I liked him Brooks, I’ve known him for five minutes. It’s a dance, that’s it, he‘s a nice guy” I replied, “it sounds like you have a problem with it”

“I don’t. Don‘t get defensive” he assured me.

“I feel like I have to be”

The song ended and I pulled away from him, trying to get from him as quickly as possible. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him, “something’s wrong”

“Nothing’s wrong” I insisted yanking my arm from his grip, “I’m tired, and I will admit a tad drunk, but I promise you that’s it”

I walked back and grabbed a drink and sat down. David sat beside me and I just sighed, “Something is going on there” he said, “I can see it”

“It’s nothing I can’t get over”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m in love with him, and he’s in love with my sister, that’s it”

“Whoa, heavy stuff”

“Yah…” I replied taking a drink.

“Ok” he said, “first off, stop the drinking” he just took it from my hand and poured it out on the grass. I just sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, “second, I admit, I like you. Everything I have heard about you from Brooks, you sound like an amazing girl”

“Oh…”

“Sorry, it just came out”

“No, it’s ok” I smiled, “you’re cool, but I think we should just be friends…”

“I understand, maybe when we get back to Washington we can have dinner or something?”

“I’d like that” I smiled, “you want my number? To keep in touch?”

“Sure”

We exchanged numbers and talked for a bit. I looked over at Brooks who’s glare could burn right through you. I ignored him and turned my attention back to Dave.

“Well…” he said standing up, “I think it’s time I get going”

I just stood up and went in for a hug. I pulled back, and some slight eye contact caused me to do something that even surprised me, I kissed him. It wasn’t just a peck, because he took it farther, my hands gripped onto his neck. He just pulled back and I just crossed my arms across my chest.

“Um…”

“I’m sorry” I said quickly, “I’m slightly drunk”

He shook his head, “It’s fine”

“I’ll see you later” I said sitting down.

He left and Brooks was livid when he came over.

“What?” I huffed.

“What!? That’s all you have to say after that?”

“Brooks, what is the big deal? You know I’m not myself when I’m drunk” I said standing up. Almost tripping over myself in the process.

“You just kissed my teammate! Did you consider how this could make me feel?”

“Why the hell do you care!?” I snapped, “You have Teri, one kiss means nothing Brooks, plus, who knows if I’ll ever see him again. Get the fuck over it”

“What’s going on with you?”

“I’m drunk Brooks, you know, when someone has too much alcohol? It happens once in a while, and most of the time they do things they regret”

He just sighed, “Just be careful please”

“I can take care of myself, thank you Brooks” I replied sarcastically.

The rest of the evening went as well as it could, and we saw Jess and Dave off as they left for their honeymoon. I sat outside where it was silent, as people started leaving. I let my thoughts run, and let myself get sober again. I heard the door open and my mother sat down beside me.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you arguing with Brooks, and I saw Brooks slightly hammered afterwards”

“He was drunk?” I asked.

“Yes” she said, “but he wouldn‘t say what‘s wrong, not even to Teri”

“Oh…”

“Why were you drunk earlier?” she asked.

I just sighed, “many reasons Mom”

“Give me one” she insisted.

“I love him” I said, “I love his eyes, his smile. His passion for hockey and music. His skill on the ice. The way he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. How I’m more myself around him than I am with anyone else, I’m comfortable, I can tell him anything. I trust him with every fibre of my being, I couldn’t imagine my life without him around. I don’t even know how I lived the first 16 years of my life without him. He got me through dad dying, he was there in a heartbeat whenever I needed him. I know him better than himself. I know he drinks when something is bothering him, I can tell when he’s lying, he has this nervous tick, he rubs the back of his neck. I know his favorite song, his favorite color, his lucky number, his lucky charm, his favorite move on the ice, he tells me everything, his secrets, his thoughts, his fears. My stomach does somersaults whenever I see him, or think about him--which seems to be every second of every day. I want him, more than I have wanted anyone. I’m jealous of him and Teri, they don’t belong together, they are completely different people, she doesn’t know him or understand him like I do. As much as I want to deny it, as much as I don’t want to Mom, I love him…”

She just sighed and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. She just pulled me in tight and was silent for a moment, before she spoke up.

“Sweetheart, you can’t let him slip through your fingers. Don’t do what I did”

I just looked up at her and raised an eyebrow, “what do you mean?”

“Before I met your father, I had a friend that I fell in love with, somewhat like your situation. I tried to tell him how I felt, but he was in love with someone else, so I didn’t bother. As it turned out, he did feel the same way, his best friend told me. But he ended up marrying that same girl and living happily ever after, than I met your father. And I fell in love all over again. I loved your father so much, don’t get me wrong, I still do, and I know it’s very possible that you could find someone else Julie, but you two were meant for each other, and I can tell by the way he looks at Teri, he doesn’t love her, but the way he looks at you…that’s a different story. Don‘t settle for second best”

I drew in a sharp breath and took it all in. It’s not possible that he loves me. I asked him if he was in love and he said yes--do you think he meant with me? I immediately thought he meant Teri. No he just couldn’t. We’ve always been friends, and we always will be.

Monday, April 5, 2010

wedding || twelve

*Comments are encourage pleaseeeeee. I want to know what you guys think:)*

Brooks was really messing with my head. Sometimes I just wish I could read his mind, find out what makes him tick, and say shit like that. He could have given me a heart attack.

We were leaving for Saskatchewan tomorrow, the wedding was in two days, Jess was under a lot of stress trying to make this perfect. Teri wasn’t helping that much, which really pissed me off. Getting myself there to help Jess out was my only concern right now, I know how she gets when she’s stressed.

“Jess, you need to relax” I said into the phone while I placed a pair of jeans in my bag.

“Can she not help even a little” she snapped.

“Jess, it’s Teri, when does she ever help us out? Plus she’s the baby, she’s not expected to do anything”

“I’ll be glad when you get here” she sighed.

I just laughed, “I better finish packing, plane lands at 3, we’ll meet you at the airport?”

“Alright, see you then”

Friday finally arrived and the plane ride was brutal. I hated planes. I think I might have grabbed onto Brooks for dear life one too many times, with the slightest bit of turbulence. It was bad.

We finally landed and I breathed a sigh of relief while Brooks just laughed at me.

“You know I hate planes” I huffed.

“Oh I know, but it’s entertaining to watch” he replied.

I just punched him in the arm and he winced in pain, “you know it’s my right hook that’s killer right?” I said balling my right hand into a fist.

“I know” he said putting his hands up in defence, “I don’t need to be reminded”

I just laughed and put my hand back down and went for the luggage. We walked out into the lobby and before I could say a word Jess practically tackled me.

“Hey” I laughed, “missed you too”

“I’m so glad you’re here” she sighed.

“How’s Dave doing?” I asked.

“He’s putting up with me” she replied, “I don’t know how he does it”

I just laughed, “We better get going”

We drove to my mother’s house. I haven’t been here since the funeral, it was still a little tough to be in there, but my mother was actually doing really well, which made it easier for me.

All day Jess and I started getting the finishing touches and made sure Teri was here so we could try on dresses. Brooks took Dave out, for the afternoon, to ease his mind.

“Wait, I thought it was at the church?” I asked her as I looked through some of the plans.

“Well it is” she replied, “but to fit all the people we invited, they let us use the field in behind the church”

“Oh, wow, that’s really nice of them”

“It looks beautiful already” she said.

“Well I’m excited”

“Not as excited as I am” she smirked.

I just laughed, “I suppose you‘re right”

We tried on the dresses, which were absolutely gorgeous. They were a pale yellow, cocktail length with an empire waste and a black band around it, and Jess’ dress was just as gorgeous, a classic white (picture at the bottom).

“They’re gorgeous” I said.

“You are really good at this” Teri said.

“Well thank you my lovely sisters” she smiled, “Sarah and Mary still have to come and try them on, but I believe everything is in order”

I just turned to look at her and smiled, “my baby sister is getting married tomorrow”

She paused, “Holy Shit Julie I’m getting married tomorrow!” as if she was just realizing it.

I just laughed and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. I couldn’t believe my little sister, the one I tortured as a kid, was getting married tomorrow. I was happy for her beyond belief.

“I’m so happy for you Jess”

“Thanks Jules”

I just couldn’t help but wonder when the day would come that she would be saying that same thing to me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

she is... || eleven

Where the hell did that come from? Why would she ask me that kind of question?

“In love?”

“Yes idiot, in love” she replied.

“Yes” he simply said. Little did she know, I didn’t mean with her sister.

I saw her close her eyes and sigh, she sat back on the other side of the couch.

“Where did that come from Julie?”

“I don’t know”

“Like hell you don’t, what’s going on with you?” I asked her. I wish I knew what was going through that head of hers.

“My head is in a funny state. I just don’t know what to think”

I wish I could tell her how I felt. I just didn’t think it was a good idea. I knew she wouldn’t want to hurt her sister, even if she didn’t feel the same way, “do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really”

“Julie, you never close yourself off from me. What’s up?”

“I’m just tired Brooks” she said standing up, “I’ll be outside”

I watched her walk outside onto the back porch and lean against the railing. She was in a short denim skirt, a purple sleeveless blouse and in barefeet. She had both her fingernails and toe nails painted black. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail. I could tell you every detail about her even if she wasn’t standing in front of me. Except for what was underneath. She had no idea how much I wanted to know…

I can tell you she has these light freckles on her cheeks and her nose, but she covers them up with makeup, she’s self concious. She has a birthmark on her back, near her left shoulder. She has a scar down her back, from when she climbed a tree when she was younger and caught herself on a branch. She broke her arm when she was 14, from falling out of a tree and got her appendix out when she was 16, which leaves a small scar on her stomach. Her blue eyes are a shade I’ve never seen before, and when she smiles it makes me feel warm inside, as cheesy as it sounds. She has the cutest nose, and lips I wish I could kiss every second of every day...

She’s fearless, opinionated, loud, clumsy, hilarious, sometimes obnoxious and arrogant, but overall one of the sweetest girls on the planet, but I would never try and get her angry, because she has a mouth on her and a hell of a right hook. She hates summer and winter but loves the spring and fall. She loves the sun but hates the beach. She couldn’t hurt a fly if she tried and she hates insects in general. Her favorite color is pink, she doesn’t have a favorite food and she absolutely adores hockey, and sports in general.

I could go on and on about this girl, but it would take me forever to describe everything that I love and hate about her. Overall, there is not one thing I would change, and I just wish I could get up the guts to tell all this to her face, and tell her that I am absolutely, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

“Brooks?” I heard her say.

“Yes?”

“You ok? You were spaced out”

“I’m fine”

She just smiled and made her way to the kitchen. I just sighed and rested my head back on the couch. I couldn’t keep this in anymore, there must be some way I can tell her.

“Julie?”

“Yah?”

“I need to say something”

She wasn’t facing me, which made it slightly easier.

"I love you”

She almost broke the glass in her hand but set it down gently before turning to face me. I stood there innocently as if I hadn’t done anything.

“You…what?”

Shit, what was I doing? I couldn’t mess this up between us.

“I love you…I mean you’re my best friend”

She replied with a sigh of relief but then she looked at me raising an eyebrow.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just a sudden urge” I mumbled. Wow, did I actually just say that?

“Oh…ok” she said turning back to face the sink. I left the room and started hitting my forehead with palm of my hand. This girl had no idea what she was doing to me.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

in love || ten

“Where are we going?” he sighed sitting in the passenger seat.

“Somewhere away from here” I replied starting the car.

We drove around Washington just chatting, listening to music, trying to cheer him up for even a little bit. It was a gorgeous day outside so I stopped at a small park and got out.

“Why are we here?” he asked.

“Because…you need somewhere you can talk to me, since we’re not in Saskatchewan anymore. This will be our spot in Washington, until we go home next week”

“There’s nothing to talk about Jules”

“I can tell by your tone that yes…there certainly is Brooksy, so sit and talk to me”

We sat down at a nearby bench. I sat cross legged facing towards him while he looked straight ahead. I waited for any sign that he would speak, he finally did.

“Losing to Pittburgh, this whole thing with your sister, it’s really been messing with my head”

“What about my sister?” I asked curiously.

“It’s not easy with her coming back and forth, and when she is here, I’m not always here, see, if it was you…it would be a lot easier”

I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands, he had no idea how much I wish it was me. I just looked back up at him and the look on his face broke my heart.

“Look at me” I said. He wouldn’t turn his head so I took his face in my hands so he was looking straight at me, “look at me” I repeated, “Brooks, as for hockey you know you have next season ok? You’re going to be fine. As for my sister, I have seen the way you look at her, and I know how she feels about you and not any amount of distance can change that ok?”

He didn’t say anything and just pulled himself away from me. I just sighed and didn’t say another word. I didn’t know what else to tell him. I just let him run through it in his head. He finally turned his head and looked at me.

“I’m sorry”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I made these past couple weeks miserable” he sighed, “and you’re absolutely right about Teri”

“I know I am” I smiled.

He just playfully nudged me.

“I should tell you something” I said.

“Sure”

“Thank you”

“For what?” he asked curiously.

“For being there through everything that happened with my dad, I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have you Brooks. You keep me…sane”

He just put his hand on my cheek, leaned in slowly, looked at me for just a moment and then placed his lips on my forehead. I drew in a shaky breath and weakly smiled at him.

“Can we just go home?” I asked.

“Sure thing” he replied.

I followed him back to the car and let him drive. I found myself glancing over at him a few times on the way back. As much as I didn’t want to I found myself having inappropriate thoughts, what the hell was this guy doing to me?

“Um, Jules…were home” he said.

“Oh” I said shaking my head. I opened the car door and followed him in and fell onto the couch. I felt him sit down and place my feet on his lap. I sat up on my elbows and looked at him. I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling at this moment, I wanted him and only him right now.

“Brooks…”

“Yah?”

I love you, how have you not figured that out?

“Nevermind…it’s not important”

“If you say so” he shrugged.

I laid my head back down and sighed. I had it, I was so close to telling him. The one thing that kept me from saying anything was Teri, I just couldn’t do that to her, even if Brooks didn’t feel the same way, which is probably the case, it just wouldn’t feel right.

I don’t even understand how I can feel this way about him? I’ve known him forever, why are these feelings just coming up now? It just doesn’t make any sense. I just wish he felt the same way so it would make everything easier, he could say it first.

“You ok?” I heard him ask, “you’re mumbling to yourself”

I just nervously laughed, “I’m good…”

I sat up and shut the tv off. I stared at him for a moment before coming out with it.

“Brooks…are you in love?”

Saturday, February 27, 2010

moping || nine

I woke up and threw on my hoodie and slippers. I opened the door and grabbed the mail sticking out the mailbox. I shuffled through it when I saw one addressed to me. It was from Jess. It looked like an invitation. That could only mean one thing.

You are cordially invited to celebrate the joining of Jessica Lynn Johnson and Dave Matthew Hodgson. Saturday, July 20th , 2009 at 3pm. Church of Christ. Highway 48, Wawota, SK.

“Brooks!” I yelled jumping on his bed.

“What?” he groaned rubbing his eyes.

“Jessica and Dave announced their wedding date!” I exclaimed.

“Yahoo” he said putting his head down on the pillow.

“Aw, muffin, is Brooksy tired?” I said poking his sides.

He just groaned and threw the blankets over his head.

“Brooks it’s after 11” I told him. He threw the blankets off and looked at the clock. It was only 9.

“You’re an ass”

“You love me” I smiled proudly.

“You know, I would have been shot if I missed practice” he said sitting up.

“How else would I have gotten you up?”

He just sat up and stretched and I watched every muscle in his back stretch, every fibre in my body wanted to touch him right now, it took all my willpower to keep my hands where they were.

He stood up and turned around. I found myself staring at his chest and abs, what is happening to me? I never saw Brooks as really attractive before. I knew he was a good looking guy, the girls loved him, but I never thought I could see him like that.

“You ok?” he asked.

“I’m fine” I said shaking my head, “daydreaming”

“About what?” he smirked.

“Nothing important” I lied.

“If you say so”

He left for practice that morning, and I cleaned up the house for something to do. Yet, my mind was consumed with thoughts of him. Also, with thoughts of my dad. I missed my dad like crazy, and the more I thought about Jess’ wedding, the more I thought about him not being there. How hard was that going to be? Dad is supposed to walk her down the aisle, he’s supposed to walk me down the aisle, well, when I get married. It’s hard to think about. It hurts to think about.

--

The season flew by and the boys lost to Pittsburgh in 7 games in the playoffs. Brooks was devastated and I had no idea how to cheer him up. I didn’t know how long it would be for him to recover after that, especially that game 7 disaster, and then Pittsburgh won the Stanley Cup.

“Ok, that’s enough!” I finally said amongst the silence.

“What?”

“I’m tired of your moping, this isn’t you, you know you have next year Brooks, come on, let’s go out and do something” I said grabbing his arm. He didn’t budge as I tried to pull him out of the chair.

“I don’t want to” he sighed.

“Brooks” I snapped standing in front of the tv.

“Julie, so help me--”

“Don’t you dare! Brooks, it’s over, you can’t do anything about it, all you can do is play your best next year, and moping about it right now will do nothing”

He didn’t reply, he just avoided eye contact with me. I went over to him and punched him in the arm. He winced in pain and grabbed his arm with his other hand, “what was that for”

“Cause you’re being an ass” I replied crossing my arms, “I want Brooksy back”

He just sighed and tilted my head towards him “I’m sorry, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere”

“Thank you” I replied, “but you are coming with me right now” I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the door, “we are going out”

Friday, February 5, 2010

heartbreaker || eight

*please please please please PLLLEASEE comment, im scarce in the comments department and could really use your guys' feedback*


Teri’s been here for a few weeks and we’ve been getting really close. We were never this close back home, I don’t know what it was. It was almost Christmas and Brooks was on another road trip for about a week or so, so it was giving us some quality time. She was talking about Brooks a lot, because they have been getting a bit close as well. A little too close for comfort in my opinion, it was really awkward, any chance she got she was flirting, and Brooks’ charming ways didn’t disappoint, she really liked him, and I wasn’t one to step in the way of love.

I will admit I’m a tad jealous. But it’s not what you think. I’m used to spending my time with Brooks and only Brooks, it was the reason I left Saskatchewan, for a change and to get away from the family, I really didn’t think Teri was going to stay this long, I love the girl, but she can get a little…annoying.

She was the baby, and I was surprised how well she was doing, how we were both doing since last month’s tragedy. I still had my bad days, but having two of my favorite people around, was perfect.

“Julie!” my sister exclaimed venturing from the spare bedroom.

“Yes?” I said keeping my eyes on my laptop.

“I’m going out with Brooks when he gets back” she replied. My eyes moved away from the computer to her. I swallowed a lump in my throat and clenched my jaw, “I’m happy for you” when I really wasn’t. But why wasn’t I?

-----

I sat on the couch, with my laptop where I haven’t left in the past few days, other than work. I was doing some work from home, it was still hard working around the office. Then, I saw them come in. Hand in hand, laughing and smiling. Brooks’ eyes met mine and he dropped her hand immediately.

“I didn’t know you were home” he said nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’ve been working at home for days Brooks, you knew that” I replied.

“I’m going to shower” Teri said leaving the room.

Brooks sat beside me and I just sighed shutting my laptop, “what?”

“You seem on edge lately, you ok?”

“I’m a tad stressed, I could get a promotion with this report. Dad‘s been on my mind lately too” I replied, “so yah, sorry if I’ve been snappy”

“I was just worried” he replied, “and I kind of need to ask you something”

“Shoot”

“I really like her Julie, and I want you to be ok with that”

I turned my head and looked at the wall. I don’t know why I didn’t like it, I just didn’t. My sister and my best friend, it just felt awkward…but I lied to him.

“Of course” I smiled, “why wouldn’t I be?” man I was good.

“Thanks” he replied wrapping his arms around me.

He stood up but I stopped him, “I swear if you so much as make her cry, I will make you cry. You know I have a hell of a right hook”

He put his hands up in defence and laughed, “I wouldn’t dare, plus I don’t want to feel the wrath of that right hook”

“Good, now I need to work” I replied opening my laptop again.

Brooks went to the other room and I did all I could to distract myself from my thoughts. As I typed my report, I found myself writing Brooks instead of books, and Laich instead of like. What the hell is wrong with me? I slapped my laptop shut and sighed, Brooks came back into the room and looked at me, “you ok?”. I just nodded, “I need a break”

I shut my bedroom door behind me and sat on the bed. Was I gaining feelings for my best friend? He’s been there through everything and I’m extremely lucky to have found him. I hated when he was gone on a road trip, I loved having his arms around me, hearing his voice, he had a smile that could make any woman go weak in the knees. Shit, I think this is worse than I thought.

-----

It was Christmas time and Teri was headed home. I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy Christmas, especially with dad gone. I know I sound selfish, but being back home would only make the pain worse, I decided to stay with Brooks this Christmas, Teri was going to stay with mom.

I came home from work, it was snowing and a little too cold for me. I opened the door finding Brooks underneath a pine Christmas tree, trying to stand it up.

“Need some help there?” I smirked taking off my coat and throwing it on the couch, kicking off my heels at the same time. I walked over and held on to the tree to make sure it stayed straight.

“Since when do you get a Christmas tree?” I joked.

“Since you’re staying here, I thought it would be proper” he replied standing up to check if it was straight. He looked it up and down and then he bent back down sticking his head under the tree. It was hard not to look at his backside sticking out, and I found myself looking a little too long. Why did I suddenly finally find him attractive, as soon as I know I can’t have him….

“You checking me out?” he smirked looking up.

I turned my attention in the other direction, “you wish Laich”

He just laughed and stood up. I stood beside him as he admired his work, “I think I did a hell of a job if I do say so myself”

I just nodded, “you have ornaments I assume”

“Yah, in the hall closet” he said pointing towards it.

I opened the door and pulled out the box marked Christmas. I set it on the floor in the living room and sat down with it, sitting on my knees, on account I was still in my pencil skirt from work. I opened the box and looked through it, he still had old Christmas stuff from back home. The last time we spent Christmas together, I was 18.

“You still have this?” I asked him pulling out an old gingerbread man ornament I had made for him before he left when I was 18.

“Of course!” he said excitedly taking it from my hand and hanging it on the tree, “it’s one of my favorite gifts”

“You’re such a liar” I said turning my attention back to the box. He sat down cross-legged on the other side of the box facing me. I pulled out a picture of us one Christmas when we were teenagers, he was 18 and I was 17, we were at a friends Christmas party completely hammered “wow, you were kinda scrawny back in the day weren’t you?” I joked.

He took the picture out of my hands and looked at it. He smirked as he stood up and put it on the end table next to the couch, “it’s seriously my favorite picture of us”

“Brooks, we were trashed” I laughed, “I look awful”

“But they were good times, you have to admit” he said sitting beside me this time.

“This is true” I smirked at him. He was sitting really close, and he was staring at me, and a part of me didn’t want to look away. I could feel his breath on my lips, and it was making me insane. What was happening to me? It took all my willpower but I turned my head and looked down at my hands.

“You want to finish?” I asked, “I need a shower” I couldn’t even look at him.

He just cleared his throat, “yah, sure thing. Go ahead”

I stood up and shut the bathroom door behind me. I stood against the door and drew in a sharp breath. I have no idea what is coming over me. I have to forget how I’m feeling and remember that he’s with my sister, and she adores him. I could never break her heart, especially when I told Brooks not to do the same thing. I had to ignore these sudden feelings I was feeling for my best friend. It was for the best.

Friday, January 29, 2010

disappear || seven

*I know there isn't much to it. but comments are still appreciated:)*


I felt a pillow hit me and I slowly opened my eyes. Julie was sitting on the floor with a look of pure anger on her face. What did I do?

“Why are you on the floor?” was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

“Because you took up half the bed” she huffed.

“Oops” I shrugged.

She grabbed another pillow and threw it at me and I quickly dodged out of the way. She looked at me with a smirk. She was impressed. “Quick reflexes” I laughed.

“How are you not hungover?” she groaned pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I am” I replied, “but I can tolerate the pain”

“Shut up” she spat sitting up on the bed, back facing me.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked.

“Alright…” I sighed, “he was in my dreams again”

Everytime she mentioned her father my heart broke for her. I know how much he meant to her. She was doing so much better, and I was proud of her. I did all I could to help her feel better. I moved my hands and gently rubbed her shoulders and neck.

“Fuck you’re good at that” she groaned. She cocked her head to the side, exposing one side of her neck, it took all my willpower not to press my lips to her neck. She didn’t even know what she did to me. Instead, I distracted myself.

“I know” I said taking my hands away and pinching her sides. She turned but I was already off the bed and running into the living room.


“Shit” I said quietly as I heard Julie yell something about how she’s going to kill me. I was stopped in my tracks when I see Julie’s younger sister Teri sitting on the couch, suitcases surrounding her. I looked down at myself, only in boxers, I turned probably 10 shades of red and so did Teri.

“You can go put a shirt on” Julie mumbled pushing me towards my room.

I heard them talking as I threw a t-shirt over my head and pulled on a pair of jeans. I walked back out to see Teri turn her attention to me, and smiled at me. I smiled back, being friendly when Julie glared at me. I just walked into the kitchen and overheard their conversation.

“Is he single?” I heard Teri ask, I just smirked to myself, and kept my ear towards the room.

“First of all, yes and secondly he’s too old for you”

“How old is he?”

“26”

“How old am I?”

“21” I just shrugged as I threw the number around in my head.

“Age is just a number” she pointed out.

“You’re not his type” Julie replied. This caught my attention. Since when does Julie know my type?

“Are you jealous?” she asked curiously.

“Pshhh, no” Julie replied standing up.

“Well it sounds like you’re trying to keep me away from him”

“He’s not right for you…”

“You can’t stop me Julie…”

“Fine” she huffed, “but I warned you”

I heard her footsteps come by the kitchen and I looked in her direction. I didn’t know what expression was on my face, but she stopped for a minute, confused, angry, I couldn’t think of anything to say, instead I just watched as she disappeared into the bathroom.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

not right for you || six

Sunday rolled around and I had one bad day without Brooks. I just stayed in bed and sobbed hysterically, but I was getting better. There were things that could trigger the tears, like one of his favorite shows on tv, or movie, or commercial, or even song. Right now I was stable.

I heard someone come through the door and I immediately breathed a sigh of relief. I just smiled at him as he came in the room. He just gave me a weak smile and sighed as he sat beside me.

“Drink?” I asked.

“Please”

I stood up and grabbed a bottle of Tequila and two shot glasses. I sat back down beside him and filled the glasses. We looked at each other, nodded and drank it back. My throat burned and I saw him pinch the bridge of his nose and he shook his head.

“Shit!”

“Something wrong?” I asked him.

He put the glass out in front of me and I poured some more and watched him drink it.

“Brooks, talk to me”

“Just a bad road trip for me”

“It’s only October” I reassured him.

“I suppose you’re right” he sighed.

I poured a glass and drank it just as quick.

“You know how to hold your liquor girl” he laughed.

“I have you to thank for that” I said nudging him.

It wasn’t long before we were both seriously hammered. We were laughing hysterically at something we saw on tv, that I don’t even think was that funny. I stood up to get a drink and Brooks followed me, I tripped over myself and he tried to stop me from falling but he fell himself, on top of me. We stopped laughing and I looked straight into his eyes, and he looked straight into mine. For a minute he moved his eyes from mine and looked at my lips and then back up at my eyes with a confused look on his face. He closed his eyes, shook his head and sat up.

“What was that?”

“I’m trashed Julie, it was nothing” he replied.

“Are you not telling me something?”

“Julie, we’re both drunk” he nervously chuckled while barely getting to his feet.

He helped me up and before he could escape I grabbed his arm and took his face in my hands, “you’re not telling me something” he pulled away and I heard him whisper something to himself, “Brooks! You’re scaring me…”

He turned to me and saw how upset I was, his arms were immediately around me, “I’m fine” he reassured me, “you need to stop worrying about me”

“I will always worry about you, the same way you worry about me” I mumbled.

He just squeezed me tighter and I took in his scent. I was too drunk to even remember our conversation.

------

I woke up with an arm around me and a pounding head. I knew it was Brooks, who else would it be. I tried to squirm away but he pulled me back in, “go back to sleep” he murmured. His warm breath on my neck gave me goosebumps, we didn’t normally do this, only the one time when I was terrified to sleep alone. But it felt right, it felt like I was supposed to be here.

I looked at the clock and saw it was 9, three hours later than from when I woke up earlier. My head still pounded and Brooks was still asleep, but he took up half the bed this time. I rolled over and fell off the bed, realizing he took up more than I thought. I grabbed a pillow.

“Brooks you asshole, wake up!” I yelled from the floor.

He groaned and tossed the pillow aside, looking aimlessly before his eyes met with mine. “Why are you on the floor?” he asked.

“Because you took up half the bed” I huffed.

“Oops” he shrugged, “my bad”

I grabbed another pillow and threw it at him and he dodged out of the way. “Quick reflexes” he laughed.

“How are you not hungover?” I groaned pinching the bridge of my nose.

“I am” he replied, “but I can tolerate the pain”


“Shut up” I spat sitting back up on the bed.

“How’d you sleep?” he asked.

“Alright…” I sighed, “he was in my dreams again”

I felt his hands gently rub my shoulders and neck. His warm hands gave me goosebumps. How did he get to me?

“Fuck you’re good at that” I groaned.

“I know” he said taking his hands away and pinching my sides. I turned to hit him but he already dived off the bed and into the living room.

“I’ll kill you, I swear!” I said jumping off the bed and into the living room.

I turned the corner only to find my baby sister sitting on the couch. She was ten shades of red and Brooks had the same reaction.

“You can go put a shirt on” I mumbled pushing him into his room.

“Shit Teri, what are you doing here, and how did you get in?”

“First, I can’t live with mom anymore and two you gave me a key, and told me that if I needed anything you’d be here, I just forgot he was here too”

“What happened?” I asked sitting beside her on the couch.

“Mom is getting frustrating. She’s doing a lot better, but at the same time, she’s really angry too. We’ve had multiple fights over the last few days, and you know me, I never argue”

“I know” I nodded.

I heard Brooks come back out and her eyes diverted from me, to him. She just smiled and I could feel him smiling back. That damn charm of his. I glared back at him and he walked into the kitchen.

“Is he single?” she asked.

“First of all, yes and secondly he’s too old for you”

“How old is he?”

“25”

“How old am I?”

“21”

"Age is just a number” she pointed out.

“You’re not his type”

“Are you jealous?” she asked.

“Pshhh, no” I replied.

“Well it sounds like you’re trying to keep me away from him”

“He’s not right for you…”

“You can’t stop me Julie…”

“Fine” I huffed, “but I warned you”

She just rolled her eyes and I walked past the kitchen and looked at Brooks. Who looked confused. I ignored it and shut the bathroom door behind me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

hiiiii

ok i know i only have two followers in this story, but i would reallllyyy love it if you guys could maybe pass this story on...because i have run out of ways to get this story out there honestly. oh and comments on the chapters would be nice:) jsut so i know what ya's thinkkk. thanks !

-- Julia

Monday, January 25, 2010

falling apart || five

I was back home in DC. Life started to feel somewhat normal again, except for the huge hole in my heart that only my dad could fill. I took leave from my secretary job, forr however long it took. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I just wish something could have warned me that this was coming. I haven’t seen him since his birthday in April, when I surprised him by coming for a visit. I just wanted to hear his voice again. I knew he had a cell phone and it would be turned off, so it would go straight to voicemail. I grabbed my phone and crawled back into bed, while I dialled his number.

“This is Jack, you’ve caught me at a bad time, leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can”

My heart started to break all over again and the tears just kept falling. I kept redialling, hoping the sound of his voice would just be burned into my memory. I listened over and over again, when I heard the door creak open. I slapped my phone shut and just looked over at Brooks.

“What do I do now?” I said quietly, “I’m nothing without him”

He laid down next to me and stared up at the ceiling. I just moved my head and rested it on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat. I felt him run his fingers through my hair and I hugged one arm around his waist. We were used to this, we knew that the affection was only going so far. He was the guy who held me together, he was with me through thick and thin, he was my backbone, without him…I don’t even want to think about it.

“I’ll say one thing. He’s still with you Jules. You know he’s in your thoughts, in your heart…and you are something. You’re one hell of a girl if you ask me” he just looked down and I looked up and smirked at him.

“You know you’re the only thing that’s keeping me from falling apart” I whispered.

“It’s good to know that I’m holding you together”

“I don’t know how I got through 15 years without you”

“I would say the same thing”

It wasn’t long before the silence between us turned into a deep sleep. I was out cold, I was exhausted from crying, jet lag, it all took a toll on me.

-----

I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 12...pm. I slept for 16 hours…how?

I could smell something familiar. One of my favorite foods. I walked into the kitchen to see a chirpy Brooks over a pot and an empty box of Kraft Dinner on the counter. I could hear him humming, I don’t think he knew I was there. I cleared my throat to reveal my presence and he turned and smiled at me.

“Morning, or should I say afternoon sleepy head”

“Hey” I croaked sitting up at the breakfast bar.

“You don’t sound good” he replied with a frown.

“I think I have a cold, probably the reason I slept so long…” my voice sounded worse every second.

“Probably from sitting out in the rain” he said.

I just smirked as he opened the top cupboard and grabbed a box of Tylenol Cold and set one in front of me with a glass of water. I quickly washed it down and laid my head on the counter.

“Thanks” I replied, the word barely able to come out.

“No more talking” he ordered moving back to the boiling pot. It was about the only thing he could make, it’s why I loved it so much. He grabbed my glass and filled it up with more water, “Go take a blanket and sit on the couch” he said.

I just nodded and grabbed his Washington Capitals fleece blanket and grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels, I finally found the Hangover on Paperview. I would ask him if I could but he told me not to talk. I smiled deviously and pressed “order”. Brooks came into the room with a bowl of Kraft Dinner.

“Did you order paperview?” he asked looking at the tv then me.

I couldn’t respond so I just shrugged my shoulders and snatched the bowl from him.

“Still the same old Julie” he said moving back into the kitchen. I just laughed as I put a forkful of Kraft Dinner into my mouth.

When Brooks cleaned up he joined me on the couch.

“You’ll get sick” I just barely said.

“No talking, and I’ll be fine”

I just laid my head back and put my feet on his lap and continued to watch the movie. I felt his fingers move up and down the soles of my feet. I was normally ticklish, but for some reason, this didn’t bother me. In fact, it made me sleepy, or that could have been the drugs. I didn’t care, sleep was the only thing I wanted right now.

-----

I was sick for a few days, and Brooks was by my side the entire time. I woke up in a pool of sweat, I think my fever was gone and my sore throat had finally subsided. I jumped out of bed feeling full rested. I looked around the apartment for Brooks, but no sign of him. I saw a white piece of paper on the counter and his handwriting.

Hey, I would have waked you but I know you’re not feeling good. We’re on a road trip, but only for a few days. Call me if you need anything. See you on Sunday -- Brooks

I pouted immediately wishing I could spend my finally healthy day with Brooks. I was finally starting to feel, myself again. I knew I was going to have bad days, and I hoped that being alone in this huge house wouldn’t trigger anything.

I woke up to the sound of rain tapping on my window. I looked over at my clock and it was 8am. I turned over and saw Brooks still sound asleep. I quietly got up, trying not to disturb him and walked across the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it behind me. I was afraid to look in the mirror, I probably looked exhausted. I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face. It did wake me up, but my stomach felt like it was going to explode.

I walked back into my room and sat crossed legged on the bed. I just watched him sleep. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t want to wake him, but the funeral was at 10, and I knew how long it took him to wake up.

“Brooks” I said quietly.

Nothing.

I poked his stomach and he shifted a bit. I did it again and he shifted more, and you could see he was smiling in his sleep. Finally I slapped him and he immediately shot up.

“Not nice” he smirked pinching my side. I let out a loud squeal and slapped him again.

“Sheesh, don’t be such a girl” he laughed. I just smirked as he got up out of bed.

“We have to leave in an hour…” I was suddenly terrified again. I could feel every nerve in my body tense up the moment I thought about it. I was staring into space until I felt a warm hand on my cheek. I looked down to see Brooks kneeled down to my level.

“Hey” he said quietly.

I just swallowed a lump in my throat, “I don’t know if I can do this. See him like that, the casket is open you know. I might go insane”

“Julie, you have to remember that this man loved you and your sisters” he stated, “with every fiber of his being, you girls were everything to him, you have to remember that when you see him, I’ll be with you the whole time” I just wrapped my arms around his neck and wouldn’t let go. I wish we could just stay like this.

“We have to get ready” he whispered. I sighed and pulled back. He gently kissed my forehead as he stood up and rifled through his bag. I faced away from him and looked through mine, grabbing the black dress and leggings I brought with me. I just pulled my hair into a ponytail and pinned my bangs back. I put on some light foundation, mascara and lip gloss as Brooks knocked on the door.

“You can come in” I replied.

He was in a simple white dress shirt, black blazer, black pants and black dress shoes. I just weakly smiled at him as he reached out for my hand. I held onto it for dear life as I walked down the stairs behind him. I slipped on my black flats and walked out the door with my mom, sisters and my uncle beside me. Brooks sat in the back of Jessica’s car with me and I couldn’t let go of his hand, I’m surprised he hadn’t pulled it away yet.

We stopped at the funeral home and I froze as I stepped out of the car, “I can’t do this” I shook my head. He stepped in front of me and took my face in his hands, staring me down, “you can, I’m here, remember he loved you, remember the good memories Julie, the laughs, and you’ll get through this” he pulled me into a tight hug and led me towards the door. With every step closer, my heart started racing, I was terrified. I kept trying to think of my dad in a happy state, it wasn’t working. I walked into the lobby and desperately grabbed Brooks’ hand. I walked through the lobby and into where the funeral was taking place. I saw his picture at the front of the room and squeezed Brooks’ hand tighter, glancing up at him quickly. The closer I got to the front of the room, the more terrified I got. I saw the open casket, but not what was inside. I was terrified to even look, but I knew I had to do this.

I stopped, seeing him peaceful, like he was sleeping. I was in shock at this point not being able to move, or speak. I started to feel numb again, and that’s when it hit me, first it was small sobs, but I suddenly started to cry hysterically. I let out a shriek before Brooks wrapped his arms around me. I tried to pull away from him but he pulled me back and I sobbed into his chest, everything that’s been held in for the past few days finally came out. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, the pain was almost unbearable. All I could hear was my mother doing the same. What did we do to deserve this?

Everything around me was suddenly in slow motion. I calmed down but a few stray tears would come out. As I sat and watched as a few people came up and spoke about my dad I couldn’t even hear it. It’s like their mouths were moving but nothing was coming out. I was in such a state of shock, that I felt like it was all a dream. A nightmare.

It was finally the moment I was terrified of. He was being buried in the cemetery across the street. My mind finally started to come back to reality as everything moved at a normal pace again.

I stood in front of the casket, now closed, and looked at the six foot deep hole in front of me. I heard them saying something but I didn’t really pay attention, I just felt Brooks’ arm around my shoulder, and an umbrella over our heads as the rain poured down. I probably would have fallen apart if he didn’t come.

The moment they stopped talking and moved towards the casket I froze. He was going into the ground. I couldn’t watch this. I started to pull away from Brooks, he said something but I couldn’t hear him. I suddenly started running, as fast as I could, as far away as I could. I didn’t know where I was going, I was going to run until my lungs couldn’t take it. I didn’t care about the pouring rain. It didn’t even phase me.

I was soaked when I stopped at the one spot Brooks and I loved. The ground was soaked, but it didn’t bother me. I just laid on the grass and felt the rain hit my face, and felt the tears streaming. Everything hit me at once, and I didn’t like it.

I heard fast paced steps and they slowed down to a walk as they got closer. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I just saw him sit cross legged beside me, facing me. He took his thumb and wiped away the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling. His warm hand on my cold cheek gave me goosebumps and I sat up. He saw and immediately pulled his soaked blazer off and put it around my shoulders, not that it would help. I just stared at him, and he stared back, not daring say a word. I finally got up on my knees, pulled the blazer off, wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. This sobbing thing was getting old.

“Don’t leave, promise me you’ll never leave” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“I’m here babe” he said squeezing me tighter, “I’m not going anywhere”

Sunday, January 24, 2010

crying || three

The drive was silent, I just stared out the window as my thoughts ran. I needed a distraction, I just didn’t know what. As we stopped at a red light I saw the spot where Brooks and I spent a lot of our time as teenagers, it was our escape from family, high school drama and everything in between.

“Can we stop?”

He just nodded and parked on the side of the road. There wasn’t too many people around, which was how I liked it. I walked over to the swings and sat on one, Brooks took the one beside me.

“Remember the first time we came here?”

“I do” he nodded.

I just smiled thinking back to the first time we came here. A boyfriend I had, Brian, when I was 16, dumped me for another girl. I was absolutely devastated, and skipped my classes after lunch. I ran here, and I really don’t know why. I sat on this very swing, crying my eyes out to the point where I couldn’t even see in front of me. Suddenly I felt two arms around me, normally I would jump up in fear, but I knew those arms all too well. Brooks skipped class when he realized I was gone and came looking for me. He calmed me down, he just had this natural way about him, that was calming, soothing. He took me back to his car and we skipped the rest of the afternoon. Listening to classic break-up songs and singing them at the top of our lungs. By the time the day was over, I forgot who Brian was. I laughed thinking back to when I got home and my dad had found out about us skipping. He was more furious at Brooks for not taking me back.

“What?” he asked.

“Remember my dad? He was practically livid”

“Oh I couldn’t forget that” he laughed, “your dad was really strict about your education”

“I know” I sighed, “and I gave it up for you”

“You could have went back” he said, “I didn’t force you”

“I needed a change” I replied quickly, “it was my choice”. I felt my stomach grumble, you could hear it from a mile away.

“I think we should eat” he smirked.

“I agree”

We got back to the car and stopped at a small diner we always went to. It was really homey, we all knew each other. As soon as they saw me come in, there was silence.

“I knew this would happen” I mumbled. I tried to escape but Brooks grabbed my hand and dragged me to a booth.

Dorothy, the owner of the diner came to our table and just looked at me with sad eyes.

“I’m really sorry about your dad sweetie”

“Yah…can I just have a coke please?” I asked changing the subject.

“Sure thing” she smiled disappearing back into the kitchen.

“Why here?”

“Because it’s the only place with decent food in this god-forsaken town” he said.

“Fine” I grumbled sitting back crossing my arms over my chest.

When she placed our food in front of us, there was silence. I hated silence, because my mind starts to run on overdrive.

“Question” I asked setting my fork down.

“Shoot”

“Tell me why after I just lost one of the most important men in my life, I can’t cry. Everyone else seems to be able to…why can’t I. It’s all I want to do”

He sighed tossing his napkin back onto the table, “honestly I couldn’t tell you, I wish I knew. One of these days it will come out, something inside will snap”

“I need you there when that happens”

“I’ll be there” he said quickly, “wherever, whenever”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you as a friend”

He just smiled, “you’d do the same”

“Damn right I would”

He just smirked and I looked down at my food, my appetite suddenly disappeared, “I’m full”

“You barely ate half!”

“I ate didn’t I?”

He just sighed, “I suppose this is true”

As he finished and paid I went back out to the car, it was getting late, the jet lag was getting to me.

“Are you as tired as I am?”

“Probably” he said nodding his head.

“I need a bed” I said getting back into the car.

We parked in the driveway and stepped back into the house. That eerie feeling hit me again and I suddenly felt depressed. I was missing him more every minute. I avoided eye contact with the rest of the family and went upstairs, keeping my eyes away from the pictures. I stepped into my room and flipped down all the frames with my dad in them, and took some off the wall. Brooks didn’t dare say a word as I pulled my pj’s, sweats and a t-shirt, out of my bag.

“Um, you think you could turn around?” I asked.

“Oh yah, of course” he said with a nervous chuckle. He just rubbed the back of his neck and looked like he lost all train of thought.

“Facing the other way” I said.

“Sorry” he said turning quickly.

I swiftly pulled off my shirt and jeans, slipping on my sweats and t-shirt. I pulled the covers back and looked in his direction, “you’re good”

He just turned around and pulled his shirt over his head and took his jeans off. He walked towards the couch but I stopped him.

“Um, do you mind?” I asked patting the bed next to me.

“Seriously?”

“We’re just sleeping” I smirked.

“Alright” he shrugged as I laid on my side facing the wall. I felt the bed dip down beside me and covers pull a bit. I reached behind me and put his arm around my waist. I felt his muscles tense up, “you ok?”

“Fine” he said as his muscles relaxed. I switched off the lamp and almost melted into him, “thank you” I whispered, “you’re welcome” he mumbled into my hair and it wasn’t long before I felt myself drift off to sleep.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

lucky || two

“Of course I’ll come with you” he said.

“You sure it won’t ruin your hockey schedule? I mean, I missed the wake already…” I asked.

“You’re more important” he said.

“I don’t want to interfere--”

“Shut up Julie” he said, “you talk too much. I said I’d come, I’m not letting you go at this alone, plus it’s only October, the team will understand…”

I let out a small smile and he responded back with one, “there’s that smile” he said. I just wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. I felt him gently kiss the top of my head and squeeze me a bit tighter before he pulled back. He just stared at me, and his eyes diverted to my lips for a split second and then he looked back up at me before walking away. What was that?

-----

We were leaving today. As I packed a few things into my bag my hands shook like crazy. Every nerve in my body was on edge, I was terrified. I don’t know if I could handle seeing my family in so much pain, my mother, my sisters…

Brooks sat on the bed beside my open suitcase as I shoved something else inside. He saw my shaking hand and took it in his, stopping me from packing. My hand immediately stopped shaking. Sometimes I wonder how he has put up with me these past 9 years, how someone as amazing as him came into my life, how was I this lucky?

“How the hell did I get so lucky?” I asked him.

“I should be asking that question” he replied.

“If you so much as try and leave, I’ll beat you up” I said as I sat beside him, still my hand in his.

“I wouldn’t dare” he smirked.

-----

The flight was long and tiresome, but I was back home, or I mean we were back home. This is where we grew up, where we met, where we shared a lot of memories and a lot of heartbreaks. Today…wasn’t exactly going to be a happy memory.

I sighed a breath of relief as I stepped out into the Saskatchewan air. I was nervous, terrfied, but relieved. As soon as I spotted my sister, I was more terrified then ever. I felt her arms around me, and was surprised when I still couldn’t cry, when it looks like she’s been crying for days. I saw her fiancee Dave over her shoulder and he just nodded in my direction as I gave him a weak smile. She pulled away and I just wiped the tears from her eyes, “we’re going to get through this” I promised her.

We arrived at my mom’s house and the moment I stepped out of the car I froze, how was I supposed to step foot in there if he wasn’t there. Brooks saw me staring into space and gently placed his hand on my back.

“You ok?” he whispered in my ear.

“Don’t leave my side” I simply said.

“Never”

I stepped in the door and it felt different. Eerie. Empty without my dad’s presence. I saw my mom in the living room. She wasn’t crying to my surprise, it must be where I get my strength, she’s the strongest woman I ever met. Her and dad were so alike.

“Hi sweetie” she said standing up and giving me a quick hug.

“How are you mom?” I asked.

“Better than expected” she weakly smiled, “Oh hello Brooks”

“Hey Mrs. Williams” he said giving her a hug.

Our families were really close, ever since Brooks and I met when I was the new kid in school and he was nice enough to show me around. We bonded through hockey, it was almost the only thing we had in common. It’s still the same today.

“I’m sure you guys are exhausted” my mother said, “you can stay in your old room. Brooks, there is a spare bedroom across the hall” he just nodded, following behind me as I walked up the stairs and stepped into my old room. They never touched it. It was the same as when I left. Pictures never moved, they didn’t repaint, as ugly as the purple walls were. Why did I pick purple?

I set my stuff down and sat down on the queen size bed that I once slept in as a teenager, before Brooks offered me his spare bedroom in DC just a year ago, when I was mooching off my parents. I needed a change, plus he said it was boring by himself. Even if he was barely around.

He sat beside me as I took everything in. I was silent and he didn’t speak a word. He understood, and that’s one of the many things I adored about him. He knew when to talk and when not to talk. He waited for me to say something.

“Thank you for coming” I said quietly.

“Anything for you Jules” he smiled.

“Can you stay in here?” I asked, “tonight, I don’t know if I can sleep in this room alone”

He looked a little shocked at my question but agreed. All I needed was his presence in the room, so I knew I wasn’t alone. Especially considering tomorrow was going to be one of the most terrifying days of my life.

“Ok, how about we get something to eat?” he said breaking the silence.

“I don’t know…”

“Do this for me” he pleaded, “I need to know you’re eating…I can’t have you passing out on me, plus you’re family’s been through enough…”

“Fine” I sighed pulling myself off the bed.

I walked down the hall behind him, finally looking at the pictures on the wall I refused to look at on the way to my room. The pain stung and I felt myself clutching my stomach, putting my hand on the wall to keep my balance.

“You ok?” Brooks asked with a worried look.

“First I‘m numb, now everything hurts” I said quietly.

“I know” he said pulling me up to him and wrapping his arms around me. He really got to me, I don’t think he realized how much I needed him. I kept my eyes on the ground and followed Brooks down the stairs, I had to get out of this house.

I slipped my shoes on and grabbed Brooks’ hand and my moms car keys. I handed him the keys because I knew I was in no condition to drive right now, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

“Where are we going?” he asked pulling onto the road.

“Anywhere but this house…”

Friday, January 22, 2010

how can he be gone? || one

I found myself staring at the phone I just hung up, sitting up against the cupboard on the kitchen floor. I had just spoken to my sister, and yet the tears still couldn’t fall. He’s really gone. The strongest man I had ever known is no longer on this earth, I just talked to him yesterday, he was perfectly fine. Right now I was completely numb, I couldn’t feel the pain, I couldn’t cry, honestly…it’s how I liked it.

The one person I needed right now, my best friend, wasn’t here. He wouldn’t be back till tomorrow, how was I supposed to stay in this empty house by myself? My dad’s picture was everywhere, all it would do would haunt me. It would just be one of many future sleepless nights. I finally looked back down at the cordless phone in my hands and dialled his number.

“Hey Jules!”

“Brooks…”

He knew something was wrong, “what happened?”

“My dad…died…” it felt surreal saying it, like it was impossible for this to be true.

“Shit Julie, were not even in DC…I’m going to be there as soon as I can”

“I just needed your voice right now” there was no emotion in my voice.

“I’m sorry baby” he said quietly.

“I can’t even cry. It’s like I’m numb…”

“Julie, go to your sister’s…you can’t be by yourself”

“I’ll be ok Brooks, don’t worry about me”

I hung up the phone and it took all my energy to stand up. I reached for the pantry above the fridge, where I knew Brooks kept the liquor. I grabbed the first bottle I could, I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t care. I sat on the couch and kept drinking, I was already numb to the pain, now all I wanted was to forget about it all. Forget my dad is gone.

------

I woke up, barely able to lift my head without the pain hitting me like a brick. I laid back and turned my head to see my best friend, staring at me. What did I do?

“Hi” I groaned.

“I told you to go to Jessica’s” he snapped.

“When?”

“I can’t believe you did this to yourself again” he sighed standing up.

I ignored the pain in my head and sat up, I didn’t even feel hungover, I still felt drunk. I ran my hands through my hair and thought back. All I could remember was that my dad died. It’s the only thing I wanted to forget about and it was the only thing I could remember. I wasn’t sad, I was angry. He left without saying goodbye. He left me here, he said he’d always be here.

I put my head in my hands as I felt the couch dip down beside me and two arms wrap around me. I just rested my head on his chest, trying to let it out, but not a single tear would come out. I used more energy trying to cry then I did missing him.

“You know you don’t have to be this strong” he whispered.

“I know…I just can’t cry, it‘s all I want to do”

I looked around the house, it was a mess, in my opinion. This is as clean as it gets for Brooks. I stared at the pictures on the shelf. Dad and I on graduation day, that was the best day of my life. I felt Brooks’ hand on my back, rubbing circles over my spine. I stood up and looked at the picture closely. How happy we both were, this couldn’t be happening he couldn’t just be gone.

“He can’t be gone” I said quietly, “he was fine, he wasn’t sick and all of a sudden he just drops…why?” my mind was spinning with ‘what if’s?’, ‘why’s?’, ‘how’s?’.

“I don’t know sweetie” he said coming up behind me. He put one arm around my shoulder and I just crossed my arms across my chest and put my head on his shoulder. The shoulder I have been leaning on since I was 15 years old, he was 16, getting heartbroken time and time again. Telling me that these guys were jerks to give me up. This time was different, it was a heartbreak yes, but my dad wasn’t a jerk. He was incredible, strong, funny and was always smiling. He was the sweetest guy I knew, and he never lied to me. But this time he did, he told me he wasn’t going anywhere. I know everyone dies at some point, but it was too soon, he was so young still. I don’t get it…

“Tell me what happened” he said.

“What?” I said turning to face him.

“What happened?”

I hesitated for a minute, staring right at him, but I spoke, “It happened yesterday morning. He was fine, in a chipper mood as always. He was making breakfast. My mom looked away for a split second and when she turned back he was on the floor…he just…died” how in the hell were tears not streaming down my face right now?

He just wrapped his arms around me again and it was the only safe place I had right now. I took in the scent that was Brooks as I heard him whisper, “I’m sorry”. I couldn’t respond to him, I just wanted to stay with him. He pulled back and gently kissed my forehead, “you should eat something” he told me.

“I’m not hungry”

“Julie…”

“Please, don’t” I pleaded.

He sighed and just nodded his head, “I’m going to take a shower, you sure you’re ok?”

“No” I simply said, “but I can survive for fifteen minutes”

“Ten” he said.

“Ok”

I just retreated back to my couch and wrapped a blanket around me. The funeral was this weekend, back home in Saskatchewan. I wanted Brooks, no, I needed Brooks to come with me. He must be able to be away for a couple days, I couldn’t do this alone. I know my family was there, but they’d all be grieving in their own way and Brooks would be the only one that would keep me intact.