drowning

I found myself staring at the phone I just hung up, sitting up against the cupboard on the kitchen floor. I had just spoken to my sister, and yet the tears still couldn’t fall. He’s really gone. The strongest man I had ever known is no longer on this earth, I just talked to him yesterday, he was perfectly fine. Right now I was completely numb, I couldn’t feel the pain, I couldn’t cry, honestly…it’s how I liked it.

The one person I needed right now, my best friend, wasn’t here. He wouldn’t be back till tomorrow, how was I supposed to stay in this empty house by myself? My dad’s picture was everywhere, all it would do would haunt me. It would just be one of many future sleepless nights. I finally looked back down at the cordless phone in my hands and dialled his number.

“Hey Jules!”

“Brooks…”

He knew something was wrong, “what happened?”

“My dad…died…” it felt surreal saying it, like it was impossible for this to be true.

“Shit Julie, were not even in DC…I’m going to be there as soon as I can”

“I just needed your voice right now” there was no emotion in my voice.

“I’m sorry baby” he said quietly.

“I can’t even cry. It’s like I’m numb…”

“Julie, go to your sister’s…you can’t be by yourself”

“I’ll be ok Brooks, don’t worry about me”

I hung up the phone and it took all my energy to stand up. I reached for the pantry above the fridge, where I knew Brooks kept the liquor. I grabbed the first bottle I could, I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t care. I sat on the couch and kept drinking, I was already numb to the pain, now all I wanted was to forget about it all. Forget my dad is gone.

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I woke up, barely able to lift my head without the pain hitting me like a brick. I laid back and turned my head to see my best friend, staring at me. What did I do?

“Hi” I groaned.

“I told you to go to Jessica’s” he snapped.

“When?”

“I can’t believe you did this to yourself again” he sighed standing up.

I ignored the pain in my head and sat up, I didn’t even feel hungover, I still felt drunk. I ran my hands through my hair and thought back. All I could remember was that my dad died. It’s the only thing I wanted to forget about and it was the only thing I could remember. I wasn’t sad, I was angry. He left without saying goodbye. He left me here, he said he’d always be here.

I put my head in my hands as I felt the couch dip down beside me and two arms wrap around me. I just rested my head on his chest, trying to let it out, but not a single tear would come out. I used more energy trying to cry then I did missing him.

“You know you don’t have to be this strong” he whispered.

“I know…I just can’t cry, it‘s all I want to do”

I looked around the house, it was a mess, in my opinion. This is as clean as it gets for Brooks. I stared at the pictures on the shelf. Dad and I on graduation day, that was the best day of my life. I felt Brooks’ hand on my back, rubbing circles over my spine. I stood up and looked at the picture closely. How happy we both were, this couldn’t be happening he couldn’t just be gone.

“He can’t be gone” I said quietly, “he was fine, he wasn’t sick and all of a sudden he just drops…why?” my mind was spinning with ‘what if’s?’, ‘why’s?’, ‘how’s?’.

“I don’t know sweetie” he said coming up behind me. He put one arm around my shoulder and I just crossed my arms across my chest and put my head on his shoulder. The shoulder I have been leaning on since I was 15 years old, he was 16, getting heartbroken time and time again. Telling me that these guys were jerks to give me up. This time was different, it was a heartbreak yes, but my dad wasn’t a jerk. He was incredible, strong, funny and was always smiling. He was the sweetest guy I knew, and he never lied to me. But this time he did, he told me he wasn’t going anywhere. I know everyone dies at some point, but it was too soon, he was so young still. I don’t get it…

“Tell me what happened” he said.

“What?” I said turning to face him.

“What happened?”

I hesitated for a minute, staring right at him, but I spoke, “It happened yesterday morning. He was fine, in a chipper mood as always. He was making breakfast. My mom looked away for a split second and when she turned back he was on the floor…he just…died” how in the hell were tears not streaming down my face right now?

He just wrapped his arms around me again and it was the only safe place I had right now. I took in the scent that was Brooks as I heard him whisper, “I’m sorry”. I couldn’t respond to him, I just wanted to stay with him. He pulled back and gently kissed my forehead, “you should eat something” he told me.

“I’m not hungry”

“Julie…”

“Please, don’t” I pleaded.

He sighed and just nodded his head, “I’m going to take a shower, you sure you’re ok?”

“No” I simply said, “but I can survive for fifteen minutes”

“Ten” he said.

“Ok”

I just retreated back to my couch and wrapped a blanket around me. The funeral was this weekend, back home in Saskatchewan. I wanted Brooks, no, I needed Brooks to come with me. He must be able to be away for a couple days, I couldn’t do this alone. I know my family was there, but they’d all be grieving in their own way and Brooks would be the only one that would keep me intact.